When husbands kill children: a psychologist explained the behavior of “wives-tolerated”

Two such horrendous incidents involving children happened within the same week. The first happened in Moscow with the son of a native of Uzbekistan. The woman’s roommate was walking with her 7-year-old son in a 20-degree frost, without putting mittens on the child. The kid got severe frostbite on his hands, but for two days after the “torture walk”, his stepfather forbade his mother to show her son to the doctors. As a result, the boy lost his fingers. The doctors said that when the unfortunate child was finally brought, he had black hands, and the fingers had to be amputated … Later, the woman said that her roommate is a despot, periodically mocks her and her children (non-native to him): in addition to her son, she I also have a 2 year old daughter. The intimidated woman admitted to law enforcement that her stepfather hates her son and repeatedly beat him.

The second tragedy happened in the village of Varvarovka, which is part of the urban district of Tula. In one of the houses they found the body of a seven-year-old boy with signs of violent death. The suspect was 34-year-old stepfather Maxim.

According to sources, the monster got angry at the child when he got out of the shower and a puddle of water formed on the floor after him. The sadist attacked his stepson and beat him to death. In the morning, the man ran away from the apartment, and only after that the mother reported to the police that her son was dead. It is possible that the child was still alive for some time after the beating. Why the mother called an ambulance only in the morning, the investigation is now investigating. Family acquaintances say that this mother, 31-year-old Ksenia (name changed, – Auth.) was a drinker.

As MK learned from family friends, the couple lived together for about three years. In total, five children grew up in the family, the oldest was 11 years old. The two younger ones, a boy and a girl, are their common children, and three older ones, including the deceased 7-year-old boy, are Ksenia’s children from her first marriage.

A neighbor reported that the screams of children were often heard from this apartment. Passing by the open door, the inhabitants of the entrance noticed the dirt and the remnants of drunken feasts. The couple often quarreled. Neighbors are sure that the connivance of the prevention authorities led to such a terrible outcome. Residents of the house repeatedly complained about the family to the police department. “We asked that children be removed from this family, but there was no response. And now, as a result, a child was killed!” – said the resident of the house.

There were also those who protect the stepfather, and calls to punish not him, but the mother:

“Maxim could not kill the boy, he could only beat him,” said a woman who has known both spouses since school. – When Maxim beat him, the boy was alive … The whole night the child was dying, and her heart did not even flinch!

– She herself should be imprisoned for allowing her stepson to be beaten, moreover, for sure, the rest of the children also got it! – says another neighbor about Xenia.

What happens to women? Why do they let the men they put in their house abuse their children. Why don’t mothers stand up for their little bloodies, don’t run away from sadists and drunkards, grabbing their children in an armful, far away from this hell? Why sometimes they themselves become the same?

We talked about this with the Associate Professor of the Department of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy of the Moscow State University of Psychology and Education Tatiana Yudeeva.

– There are examples of stories of violence against children, not only by their stepfathers, often such crimes are committed by their own fathers. At first, women may not even know that something is happening to the child. Everything happens in the absence of this mother. And children either do not always tell, because they themselves also live in fear.

Such aggressors change phases in their behavior: they can be cruel, and at some other moment they can be affectionate, demonstratively kind… They can even go somewhere with the child, give him something, take him where he wanted to get in. And then the mother thinks: well, okay, it was an accident when he hit him or did something else, but in general, he’s a good one! Forgive him… And it lasts for years.

Even if a woman sees all this horror, but stays with him, perhaps she feels more secure with a man. But at the same time, women themselves can be subjected to violence, and then she and this child, it turns out, are on the same team. Perhaps this woman has already developed “Stockholm syndrome” (in psychology, “protective-unconscious traumatic connection, mutual or one-sided sympathy between the victim and the aggressor”). I remember one patient, she explained that she was very sorry for her abusive husband: “He had such an unhappy childhood! He is so aggressive because the family did not like him, but in general he is good! That is, women often try to justify the behavior of a domestic tyrant for some reason.

The next reason is that such women most likely have low self-esteem. She “grows” either from her family or, if she lives with such a man for a long time, she begins to think that she deserved such an attitude towards herself …

Another option is that the woman grew up in a family where such treatment of children was the norm. That is, such women themselves, perhaps, were beaten, they observed this violence. And moreover, they are likely to form a certain scheme in their heads that such things can be afforded by close, dear people. From the series “hitting means loving”, that is, hitting means showing indifference, trying to correct a person, his behavior.

– What else prevents you from leaving the tyrant?

– For some, this is the fear of change: it’s bad here, but I already know everything here. One patient said: the children were very afraid of her husband (their own father), but everyone knew approximately what time he came home, and as soon as the key was inserted into the keyhole, the whole family scattered in the corners. This family had three children. Even the dog ran away somewhere, hid.

Then, do not forget that the fear in which a woman constantly lives – it can drive, or it can paralyze. Maybe she’s just paralyzed, cornered. These women may have few contacts, no support either from their parents or any other relatives, or from friends, they have nowhere to go. The state, in general, can do little to help them: we do not have a law on the prevention of domestic violence, we have not yet developed a network of shelters so that a woman can take her child and come there.

The most difficult childhood memory of my patients, which leaves an indelible mark on their soul, is how one parent beat her (most often it is a man, stepfather or father), but her mother did not protect.

I looked at this story, where the stepfather is suspected of having beaten his stepson to death – there the mother also became alcoholic, that is, these unfortunate children were absolutely homeless …