October 16 – Father’s Day

On the third Sunday of October, Father’s Day is celebrated in Russia. This holiday is very young – it was officially celebrated in our country only last year. But now this day is another reason to talk about how important the role of the father in the family is, what influence dads have on their children, and whether dad can replace mom. We discussed these and other questions with the candidate of psychological sciences, medical psychologist Artur Timofeev.

– Artur Dmitrievich, father, of course, is an important component in the formula of family well-being. But why is it so important that a child be brought up in a complete family? What positive impact does this have on children?

– There are many answers to this question. But I want to highlight a few things in particular. First, when a child has both parents, there is a distribution of roles. For example, mom is the internal situation in the family (emotional comfort, caring for the child), and dad is the external side (rules, norms, plans for the future, external contacts). When a child does not have a father, then the mother has to take on the entire role load, which is difficult to bear, and the child often gets confused: either they hug me and say how much they love me, or they demand something, force them and express coldness.

The second important point is learning through simulation. The girl takes the mother’s behavior model, the boy takes the father’s behavior model. If the mother combines both models, then the boy has nowhere to take the male model of behavior (only through substitution for the model of a significant man – grandfather, uncle, sports coach, and so on), and the girl takes her mother’s mixed behavior model when she is both mom and dad immediately, which also does not simplify the process of growing up and socializing the child.

— What role does a father play in a girl’s life? What are his functions in raising a daughter?

– In addition to what we talked about above, it will be very difficult for a girl who grows up without a father to adopt the model of paired relationships. Because for this model, it is precisely the observation of the interaction between mom and dad that is required. How mom expresses her feelings, how dad takes care of mom, how they quarrel and how they reconcile – all this goes into the treasury of behavior patterns and is activated when the child begins to build his paired relationship.

Of course, dad does not have to play with dolls with her daughter, braid braids and go shopping. But the father’s help in resolving issues related to building relationships – both with adults and with peers – is invaluable.

— It is believed that it is easier for fathers to communicate with sons – for example, they often have common hobbies. Therefore, it is easier to educate them. Is it so?

I think this is too big a generalization. I know many dads who doted on their daughters. However, of course, the presence of common hobbies between fathers and sons is what facilitates contact. But it is not at all necessary that the father and son have the same hobbies, are fond of the same sport or listen to the same music. However, starting from the interests of the father, a teenage boy can understand what is more suitable for him.

— In recent years, much attention has been paid to single fathers. What can be advised to them in terms of raising children if they need to perform the functions of both mom and dad? What problems do such fathers have and how can they be solved?

– The main problems for fathers raising children alone are the same as for single mothers – role mixing. But if it is difficult for mothers to set boundaries and family norms, then it is difficult for fathers to unconditionally accept and support a child when he has committed a bad deed. Although this is in any case a very difficult position for a parent: you are guilty and I will have to punish you, but this is a fair punishment, and not my anger at you, and despite what is happening, I love you very much.

Since this is really difficult, to build a system of education, I would recommend seeking help from a child psychologist.

— Dad is a housewife and mom is a business woman – how do you feel about this family model? Does it diminish in the eyes of children the role of the father as the head of the family?

– For the child, it is important, first of all, not how the roles of forming the family budget are distributed, but what roles the parents take in relation to the child. If mom remains a mom after she comes home from work, and dad doesn’t stop being a dad while at home, then there is no problem. If the father begins to play the role of the mother, and vice versa, then the child, who is formally in the “correct” family, may begin to form other patterns of behavior, which may then manifest itself in adulthood.

Of course, all families are different, and the roles of mothers and fathers in raising children are not always distributed according to the classical version. But for a child, even the very fact that he has a dad is very important. And a loving and caring father is a real happiness. Remember this and give children such happiness.

The interview was conducted by Alena Bodrienko.

A photo by gpointstudio/Freepik

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