“I’m at an impasse”: the dramatic story of the division of the daughter brought the former spouses to a frenzy

“I am the father of a wonderful girl Nadia (name changed, – Auth.) was born in 2016, and for four years my ex-wife has been preventing me from exercising my parental rights and obligations, over the past 1 year and 9 months I have seen my daughter once, and then via online communication, ”this is how Mikhail’s letter to the children’s ombudsman begins. His appeal did not go unnoticed.

– They told me: come together, we will try to somehow reconcile you. I say with pleasure! Then they call me back – the mother of the child refused, – Mikhail told MK.

The man assured us that he did not have a goal to take the child away from his mother, he just wants to spend time with his daughter sometimes. There is a court decision that gives him such a right.

But the fact is that 7-year-old Nadia does not want to communicate with her father. It’s because of her mother, Mikhail convinces everyone. After all, the girl has no reason to hate or fear him. He says that he “never offended her, or her older half-sister, or mother.” Yes, and the parents separated when Nadia was only nine months old.

“You are bad, you wanted to take me away from my mother! I only love my mother, but you don’t love me! Only my mother gave birth to me! – the girl says to dad on the phone, almost crying. Dad gently talks to her and tries to convince her that he loves her and her sister very much and never wanted to take her away from her mother…

Mikhail assures that he previously had a very warm relationship with his daughter – when he managed to communicate with her in 2021.

– And now she says that she doesn’t want to know me, that I supposedly beat her when she was little, that I was evil and bad, but this is not so! Nadia has an older sister, Nastya (name changed – Auth.) from her ex-wife’s first marriage, and her mother also does not allow her to communicate with me. Nastya called me dad, so I lost, it turns out, two daughters at once …

– Why does the ex-wife have such a hostile attitude towards you?

We lived together for a little over a year. We had normal human relations. I loved her very much. I will not blame my wife for anything, we are both to blame. There were conflicts. Without assault, but we constantly quarreled because of some domestic issues … Somewhere the financial issue arose. And, in fact, she filed for divorce in 2017, explaining that “you and I can’t live any longer.” My daughter was nine months old at the time.

Here is how, according to Mikhail, only one of the episodes of the “sharing” of the child looks like:

– Once, after nine months after I had not seen my daughter, on my vacation I came to Cherepovets, where they lived then. Went in and picked up my daughter. And she tells me: give the child, go away. I say: “But I haven’t seen my daughter for nine months, I won’t go anywhere. And my daughter just sat quietly in my arms. I hugged her and began to leave the apartment. At this moment, the ex-wife scratches my face, and they and my mother-in-law begin to take the child away from me … They tore my T-shirt … And in the end, I let my daughter go – when the mother-in-law rested her foot against the wall and began to pull the child by the leg … I called to the police, said that I was not allowed to communicate with my daughter. There was no court decision at that time. The wife and mother-in-law locked themselves in the apartment. The police arrived, as a result, my ex and I went to the department to write statements. She on me, I on her…

I have no debts for alimony, I have not been brought to administrative and criminal liability, I respect the mother of my child! But I can’t communicate with my daughter normally for four years now! She does not see me, her father, does not see her own grandparents, family ties are torn! It’s kind of a dead end situation for me.

True, the mother of the girl Dina (name changed, – Auth.), gave us a completely different picture of their relationship:

– Firstly, I do not forbid him to see Nadyusha. The little girl herself refuses to go to meet him. I am complying with the court decision (dated 2021), and I ask Mikhail to comply with these conditions as well. There is time for calls to Nadia and time for meetings. As stated in the decision – “taking into account the desire and condition of the child.” All this is monitored by bailiffs. The other day, Mikhail was asked to file a lawsuit about a new order of communication on the territory of St. Petersburg, where he and we are now.

Why did you file for divorce?

– In our marriage, I was beaten and humiliated for more than two years. I was forbidden to communicate with relatives, friends, colleagues … I had a newborn baby in my arms, I worked until the very birth. Mikhail could grab by the hair, hit in the face. At night, until five in the morning, I wandered around the house with a stroller so that, God forbid, I would not wake up the officer’s father if the little one cried. At five in the morning I cooked breakfast for him and packed lunch. Once he kicked me in the back. He took out his anger on me because of some event in the service. He begged not to go to the police … But even at such moments I justified him. It seemed to me that then everything would work out for us, he would definitely change …

And now he’s constantly threatening to take my baby away from me! At meetings, he treats me rudely, in front of the children. And then he wonders why Nadyusha is afraid of him. Perhaps Nadyusha does not remember all the events in detail, but she associates a feeling of fear, defenselessness, danger with him.

When he came for the first time to meet her, she went with him by the hand, cheerful, cheerful … But he does not know how to communicate with children. She starts telling him something, he interrupts about his own: “You know, every daughter should love her father.” He violated the order of communication with her many times …

Dina said, almost crying, almost the same words as Mikhail: “I don’t know where else to turn, and who can protect us?”

The woman assures that for all the time she has not uttered a single negative word about Mikhail in front of her daughter. On the contrary, he persuades Nadyusha to talk with her father.

– I care a lot about my girls and try to create the best conditions for them. Dina assured. – Nadyusha is cheerful, cheerful, sociable. But when he calls her and says something, she is afraid of him. She is even afraid to go to kindergarten after these conversations with him – because she is afraid that he will come for her …

Mikhail categorically denies allegations of beatings:

“If I had really hit her or the children, I don’t think the judge would have made a decision that I can see my daughter four times a week. And moreover, at our meetings, the order of communication without the presence of a mother is determined … The ex-wife does not understand that she is fighting not with me, but with her own daughter; she rejoices when my daughter answers me angrily, when she says that she does not love me, when she does not want to talk on the phone!

In the conclusion of the psychological and psychiatric examination, which was carried out at the request of Mikhail within the framework of the court in January 2023, there are conclusions about the dangers of this situation for the child. An analysis of Nadya’s drawing, for example, showed, among other things, that the girl did not include her father in her family drawing, and she associates the concept of “my father” with black or with “evil.” The individual psychological characteristics of the mother “may have a negative impact on … the peculiarities of the mental development of a minor in establishing parent-child relationships with her father.”

The conclusions of the commission clearly state that the girl “loses her positive attitude towards her father, it is of a conflicting nature with elements of negativism generated by the mother on the one hand.” “In this regard, leaving the child in accordance with her desire with an inducer parent (mother) may be contrary to her true desires.” “To normalize the harmonious development of children” in the relationship with the separately living father of the mother, psychotherapeutic work is recommended. The psychotherapist should help her “work through negative emotions” in relation to the girl’s father.

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Comments family psychologist Elena Ulitova.

There have been many studies on how divorce affects children. There is no hard evidence that the mere fact of divorce is significant, and that children are emotionally better off in marriage. Much more important for him is the emotional state of his parents. If mom and dad are in conflict in marriage, then such a marriage is no better than a divorce. And therefore, if someone thinks about the mental state of the child, then the task of both parents is to maintain calm, more or less friendly relations during and after a divorce.

– And how many people get divorced in our time in a bad way, is there such data?

– In my experience, young families now have more amicable divorces. People still began to understand psychology more, they became more educated. There are much more families in which the emotional well-being of the child becomes the main thing. And for the sake of his emotional well-being, parents are ready to negotiate among themselves how they should behave.

– What can you recommend to those who still fail to reach an agreement peacefully, as in this case?

– It is necessary to involve some third party in the negotiations. The fact is that people in such situations do not hear each other at all, they cannot talk to each other, because the task most often is not to hear a partner, but to advance their opinion. Instead of listening to the proposals and opinions of the other in order to find the optimal solution, everyone thinks something like this: just shut up, and then I will tell you what is right.

The most interesting thing in situations of “wars” between spouses sharing a child is that, as a rule, there is no objective truth. There is an opinion of one side and an opinion of the other side. They just assess the situation differently. Perhaps for a man it seems like a trifle, he “only pushed her away when she tried to swing at me.” And she considers such behavior as violence against her.

Therefore, it is very good if a mediator or a family psychologist who organizes the negotiation process is involved to “resolve” the conflict. During the negotiation process, many different aspects can arise. We have to solve not only psychological problems, but also legal, financial, etc.

– What is harmful for the girl we are talking about, such a situation?

– Often there is a danger if one of the spouses, or even both, as it were, “drain” their sorrows onto the child. And he is forced to provide emotional support to one or even both parents. And this is a completely unbearable burden, especially for a small child. And then, when such children grow up, they even say it: I was a “husband” for mom when dad left. Replaced mom dad in terms of emotional support.

Of course, such a child may then have problems in his future marriage. And even the very fact that parents often put a child before a choice – who is good, mom or dad, for him it becomes a big mental trauma.

Therefore, it seems to me that in our case with this girl, regardless of the reasons why mom treats dad badly, dad is still faced with the task of establishing relations with his daughter again.

The emotional well-being or disadvantage of the parents is something that greatly affects the child. And the smaller the child, the more it affects him. For a girl, the main thing is that the parent who is nearby is emotionally well-being.

Therefore, the main thing that parents should understand is what do they want to achieve when they behave one way or another? That is, their task is to think about the consequences of their actions and take responsibility for these consequences.

If, nevertheless, you want your child to be in order, so that everything is fine with his psyche and with his future, then you should make a conscious choice to behave when parting, if not friendly, then at least smart, intelligent.