Who are narcissists and how to deal with them

What is narcissism

Narcissism is a personality disorder that affects more people than you might think. In popular psychology, this concept is interpreted as “a person in love with himself, with his idealized “I”. Narcissists believe that they are too unique to be understood and too good not to demand admiration from others.

Psychologist Steven Johnson writes: “A narcissist is one who has buried his true face and replaced it with a highly developed compensatory false self.

Most psychologists define narcissism as a personality disorder. Moreover, this is the so-called spectral disorder, which means that it can manifest itself in the widest range – from just some narcissistic traits to a full-blown personality disorder of a person. Full narcissistic disorder is fortunately rare, but the truth is that many of us have some narcissistic traits.

What are the most common features of narcissists? First of all, they have a deep need for admiration and approval. They think they are special and unique, superior, worthy of the very best, and know more than anyone else. Such people carefully hide their vulnerabilities and try to look great in all situations, making a “good face on a bad game.” They do not want to identify themselves with the feelings and needs of others, wanting to be the center of attention and viewing the display of emotions as a sign of weakness.

Well, the “icing on the cake” is experienced manipulators prone to emotional violence. They know how to use their charm to take advantage of others and get what they want.

What the Narcissist Thinks and Feels

Let’s try to answer some common questions that ordinary people ask about what a narcissist thinks and feels. Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Certainly they know. Such people try to consciously care less about how others feel and avoid other people’s problems. Using this method, they feel complete control over their lives.

Do narcissists understand, in the words of Mayakovsky, “what is good and what is bad”? Of course they understand, because, like all people, they are able to distinguish good from evil, and cause from effect. But narcissists have a very different thinking mechanism – they do not take responsibility, do not admit their mistakes, do not sympathize, and are extremely reluctant to show emotions. Such people have almost no remorse, telling them that they are wrong. Moreover, this is not necessarily expressed through some obvious violations of the rules of behavior in society, there may simply be indifference to social norms.

Why do people become narcissists

Narcissism is a human vulnerability taken to the extreme, from which comes the rejection of any threatening situation. The reason for developing a narcissistic personality is usually a strong resistance to this feeling of vulnerability to someone or something.

All of us during the period of life sooner or later find ourselves in vulnerable, and even simply in tragic situations. Narcissists, on the other hand, consciously refuse to put themselves in a position where they can feel vulnerable by defending themselves intellectually, emotionally, and verbally from all sides. And if possible, then in the literal sense, such people can hire good security. They are afraid that others will take advantage of their weaknesses, so their whole life is devoted to polishing the main skill – to mask their weaknesses, trying to look strong and powerful. Considering that making concessions and showing emotions to other people is a sign of weakness, in most cases they behave heartlessly. At the same time, the intentions declared by him can be the best.

Seemingly invulnerable on the outside, in fact, narcissists live in a state of constant anxiety because they are well aware of their weaknesses and emotions, as well as what others think of them in a bad way.

And here the question arises: what is the impetus for the development of such a personality? A narcissistic personality, as trite as it may sound, may be the result of a difficult childhood or emotional trauma received in early adolescence. Narcissists are desperate for constant recognition because they have not felt worthy and valued in the past for whatever reason. In fairness, it’s worth saying that sometimes the opposite happens – for example, too much attention was paid to the child as the “navel of the earth” and the most unique in the world.

Psychologists have found that narcissists are often victims of the extremes of parenting, that is, both forgiving permissive and rigidly authoritarian parenting styles contribute to the development of narcissistic qualities. Both parents who do not see value in their child, and those who pamper and overly praise the child, contribute to the formation of narcissism. While the former make the child feel inferior to others, the latter encourage him to develop an idealized self-image.

How to deal with a narcissist

There are different personality types, and not everyone is ready to think and act the same way as you. Instead of trying to change others, learn to accept differences and find balance if you really need to connect with such a person.

Don’t try to change this person, focus on your own needs. Do not try to understand how and why the narcissist resists attempts to reach him, it is more important for you to correctly understand who this person really is, and not who you would like him to be. Focus on how you feel, and on who you may or may not be in relation to him, if, of course, you need to.

Accept that the only thing you can control in this situation is your attitude and your actions.

Remember that almost everything narcissists do and say stems from their insecurities – about themselves, family, surroundings, etc. Figuratively speaking, out of fear, they can attack first. Narcissists are very vulnerable deep down, and they create problems for others because they feel better afterwards (in fact, they often create problems for themselves, but that’s not the point here).

The narcissist’s behavior is usually not something personal, it’s just a gross outgrowth of their insecurities. When you understand this, the next thought should be: he needs to receive some comfort. This is especially important if the narcissist is someone you have to work closely with or if they are a member of your family. A correctly calculated number of assurances can calm such a person, the main thing is that he believes in them.

If you want to convey some problem to a person of such a warehouse, focus not on what other people feel, but on what these people think or think about him. Narcissists never feel guilty, but they care about how others perceive them. But things like the feelings and needs of the people around them are rarely taken into account by narcissists. If you are heeded, don’t talk about how someone might feel and suffer, instead ask leading questions to understand “which way the wind is blowing” – narcissists often act on ideas that they think are universally valid, but which they actually made up themselves.

If you have to work closely with a narcissist, focus on the facts and how they affect the common cause, not on emotions. Give up the need to get the approval of a narcissist – you are not a narcissist. And most importantly, do not let their games with accusations of all sins undermine your self-esteem.

Don’t argue just to defend what you think is right. Because there is no point in arguing just to prove him wrong – the narcissist will not give in and you will be even more upset. Know your worth and refuse the narcissist’s good opinion of you. If such a person hurts you, just stay away from him. If you are in love with a narcissist, you should seriously consider ending the relationship and move on to a better life.

Opinion. Ekaterina Kulikova, specialist in interpersonal relations:

Remember that healthy relationships are always two-way. But any relationship with a narcissist is likely to be different – it lies in the fact that you need to constantly support his ideas and aspirations. Such relationships are not only burdensome, but also harmful. It is better to set boundaries and always respect them. But know that the narcissist will definitely try to test your limits, it’s just their instinct. Be prepared for your boundaries to be challenged. Therefore, make your boundaries clear, keep in mind all the actions that need to be taken.

For example, if you decide to cut off contact with a narcissist, they will most likely only appear in front of you “to talk.” Be brave enough not to retreat, but don’t get too close either. Otherwise, the narcissist will no longer take your limitations seriously.

When the narcissist starts to make you feel uncomfortable and doubt yourself, show enough respect to just walk away from them.