They don’t brush their teeth, wear sweaty clothes: a sexologist talks about people who avoid sex

There are no and cannot be reliable statistics on how many Russians maintain their virginity for many years before marriage, or are generally convinced virgins (not everyone admits it), but judging by thematic groups on social networks and dating sites for the “pure and blameless”, their not so little. Yes, it is generally accepted in society that there is definitely “something wrong” with virgins who have long since passed the threshold of adolescence (unless they are guarding themselves for religious reasons), that they are defective in some way or that they have “something head over heels,” but is this really so? Some people, indeed, have psychological/mental or physical problems, but among them there are also ordinary girls and boys, normal in every sense, who have their own good reasons for not rushing into “this.”

“I wanted to do it for love”

Muscovite Olga remained a virgin until she was 29 years old. The girl frankly told MK that she was ready to lose her virginity before marriage, “if only for love, and not with a stranger.” But in the end, “it” only happened to her on her wedding night, when she was 29 years old.

“I had a lot of romantic relationships before marriage, but I didn’t sleep with anyone,” she said. – It’s a shame that many men mistakenly believe that if they meet a virgin girl older than a certain age, this means that she is mentally abnormal and should be run from her like fire. And they subject her to ridicule, mockery, and refuse to continue their relationship with her. Completely in vain! This leads not only to the fact that a girl can withdraw into herself, but also to the fact that she will not be able to find a serious relationship for a long time, because every man she meets rejects her because of her virginity.

Personally, I believe that virginity is a guarantee of a girl’s prudence. If a girl is innocent, it means that she did not waste her time on promiscuous sexual relations, but practices a conscious approach to sex life. Such a girl will not want to have a sexual relationship if she does not feel love for the person.

My first relationship began at the age of 14. He was very romantic, we walked in the park, held hands and kissed. But on the fourth date, the guy tried to persuade me to have sex, threatening: “If you refuse, I will leave you.” After that we separated. The next relationship was with a man older than me: I was 16 and he was 21. We did not have a sexual relationship, only a romantic one. But he didn’t try to force me to have sex. I already thought that he would become my husband. But instead of a marriage proposal, he suggested breaking up: it turned out that he did not see me as a woman, but had feelings for me as a daughter.

After this, Olga again had a platonic romance. Her boyfriend was from a very religious family, brought up with strict principles, including maintaining chastity before marriage. When he found out about her virginity, he was very happy. He said that he wanted to preserve his and her virginity until their wedding. But the marriage never happened: after several serious quarrels, the couple broke up.

After breaking up with this guy, Olga’s relationship did not go well for a long time.

“They met me, fell in love with me, but they tried to drag me into bed already on the second or third date. And I had to say that I was a virgin and that I was against such a rapid rapprochement,” she continues. – Having learned that I was a virgin at the age of 27, the guys didn’t even give me the opportunity to somehow justify myself, to tell my story. They immediately stopped all communication and suspected that I was mentally ill. I had several novels, but they all did not last long.

I finally met my future husband. He was the only person who did not stop communicating with me after learning about my innocence. On the contrary, he was happy about it. It was a virgin that he wanted for his wife. He proposed to me a year later, and before that he wanted us to just date and not have any sexual contact before marriage. He himself did well without sex, I know that he did not cheat on me. We got married, and I lost my virginity only on my wedding night. I was 29 years old. Now I’m 31, and everything is great with us.

Waiting for great and pure love

A very large category of people are those who abstain from the joys of sex before the wedding ceremony in accordance with religious commandments (extramarital sex is prohibited in many religions).

40-year-old Marcel Valiev has never been intimate with a woman in his life. But he’s not ashamed of it at all, he didn’t even hide his last name. At the same time, he is quite a handsome man. But for Muslims, sex outside of marriage is contraindicated.

– Why haven’t you gotten married yet?

“Firstly, I see a lot of girls who smoke, drink and swear, some of them already had many sexual partners,” he explained to MK. – Perhaps this could be forgiven, but they will forever have a psychological connection with their ex (and they may want to compare you with their ex in some life situations, but I would not want that).

Secondly, for a Muslim, sexual relations without marriage are a sin. Thirdly, everything could change if I found my one and only. But now girls love money, so that you have everything. Or they look at age. Do feelings really require this? This is not necessary for pure love! What they are looking for is not love. Girls and women, of course, make eyes at me, thinking that it’s easy to get me hooked up. But I have learned over the years to control myself, and, besides, the beauty of a girl does not matter to me – what is more important to me is what she thinks and what she feels.

Marcel said one thing: Muslim girls can get married very early, at 12-14 years old, but this does not mean that they should already begin to be sexually active immediately after marriage. “Many opponents of Islam use this as an example! No! – says Marcel. “We “raise” her and support her until we understand that she has become independent and can solve all the issues herself. We, in fact, replace her father and mother. Muslims treat women very carefully and never call them words that degrade their dignity!

“I consider science the highest value of society”

There is such a “virgin club” on the social network (one of them). Among other “gems” for anti-sex, there is a short guide “How to remain a virgin at 20+ years old.” (Looking ahead, this is still a joke, as the administrator told us). Here are excerpts from it: “Do not interact with women in any way. Even if they are in your team (group at university/at work). Do not take any action and never take the first step to start communication, sit like an owl”, “Don’t go anywhere except university/work and the store…”, “From now on, your interests are computer games, films, music, anime, programming, anonymous forums”, “Don’t watch yourself. Forget to brush your teeth, comb your hair, wear sweaty clothes and wear the same T-shirt for 2-3 days, shower less than 3 times a week, do not wear cologne,” “Avoid communication as if you are autistic.”

We managed to talk with 31-year-old Konstantin, one of the club administrators. It turned out that he is a real virgin, a convinced one.

– I decided to remain a virgin for two simple reasons, the first – I don’t want to contract sexually transmitted diseases (condoms are still restrictions that you will reject sooner or later), and the second reason – I’m not attractive in appearance, so why do I need these your “sex”, if I have no inclinations for this? – he stunned us with his reasoning. – I believe that a reasonable person should develop in those areas in which he has prospects.

– So you yourself have some kind of life task that replaces communicating with women?

– I have many different interests: from mathematics and physics to history and philosophy. I love reading books, I love electronics and everything related to information technology. I consider science to be the highest value of society. By the way, the great German philosopher Immanuel Kant was also a virgin, and so was Isaac Newton, one of the founders of modern ideas about the movement of bodies. And Perelman and Nikola Tesla.

– But still, it’s somehow sad: what about the family, the children? Maybe you just haven’t met a woman you really like yet?

“I never wanted to get married, and moreover, I think that only, to put it mildly, not very smart people get married.” And I don’t need children either. But I am not a misogynist and I do not belong to these various men’s informal movements – which are supposedly “feminists”, but on the contrary, who consider themselves oppressed victims of women. I am a civilized person and believe that women and men should have equal rights, opportunities, and in some cases, responsibilities and duties. In principle, I treat women well, but I have no female friends, friendship between people is generally very rare. I don’t have a very large social circle.

Intimophobes, sexophobes: why people refuse sex

“MK” asked a sexologist to summarize the reasons why people deprive themselves of the sexual component of life, which for most is very significant (and for some, even paramount).

“A ban on sexual life, no matter for what reasons, can be imposed on themselves, firstly, by people with a weak sexual constitution,” says psychotherapist and sexologist Alexey Lysenko. – Their desire is not so strong, so they can calculate how entering into a sexual relationship will turn out for them, look for some ideal option for themselves, which they may never find in their entire life.

Another reason is intimate phobia. If a person is afraid to be truly intimate with someone, he does not enter into sexual relations. These can be extremely vulnerable people, both women and men, who are afraid of the stress of breaking up a relationship, etc. They tend to be withdrawn and uncommunicative. And they don’t even admit to themselves that they are afraid of intimacy, including physical intimacy; they usually say: “I would love to, but there is no suitable person.” At the same time, they begin to examine any person under a microscope, and, of course, look for some imperfections in him. And in the end they never find anyone, but in fact, they simply don’t know how to build relationships. And it’s not a matter of external attractiveness – very often people with a discreet appearance are never left alone, because they are not afraid to enter into relationships, they know how to express their feelings, likes… And since they often come into contact, sooner or later they meet their person. And since they are not looking for an “ideal,” then, more often than not, they turn out to be successful in their personal lives.

There is also such a thing as sexophobia. Where can its roots come from? 20-30 years ago we had virtually no sex education. And someone could have a mother or grandmother who suffered for sexual reasons: violence, abortion, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. And as soon as any sexual theme appeared, they, even sometimes unconsciously, reacted to it as if it were some kind of horror. Teenage girls were taught that relationships with men were “dirt”, “disgusting”, etc. And they might like to enter into a relationship in adulthood, but they consider it too dangerous. And therefore they try to avoid contacts and acquaintances with men. So they remain lonely.

There are different reasons. But still, the basis for such an attitude towards sex, as a rule, is a modest and almost always suppressed libido by some psychological factors.

But there is also a category of people who avoid sexual contacts because they are deathly afraid of catching some kind of sexually transmitted disease. And some of them resort to alternative sex – digital. Therefore, they can remain physically virgins for a long time. Moreover, someone can become so “addicted” to virtual sex that traditional sex will no longer give them pleasure. This is a very dangerous and harmful thing.

By the way, one should not forget that a woman in our time, when the population is extremely knowledgeable in matters of sex, can have many sexual partners, but she can remain a virgin for a long time. And mislead your future husband in this regard, if, according to the traditions of some people, the wife must remain innocent until the wedding night. Not to mention the fact that operations are being carried out to restore virginity (and “surprise capsules for restoring virginity” with red dye are now being sold on marketplaces). So there are fake virgins too. By the way, men who leave advertisements in “virgin communities” should remember this: “I will buy your virginity for such and such an amount” or “I will marry a virgin.” “Ah, it’s not difficult to deceive me, I’m happy to be deceived myself.”