“The only joy is getting some sleep occasionally”: single mothers talked about the hardships of life

Let me make a reservation right away: among single mothers there are successful businesswomen or daughters of wealthy parents who have money, nannies, and housekeepers. Such women do not complain about fate; on the contrary, they are glad to have the opportunity to raise children without “this goat who only knows how to get on your nerves.” But today we are not talking about them, but about those who must earn a living for their family and at the same time raise, care, teach, show attention, patience, love. Because such single mothers are the vast majority.

xxx

Albina is the most prosperous among those with whom we managed to talk. A Muscovite, 37, with a 5-year-old son, deliberately decided on single motherhood and was confident that she could handle it.

– Until 2022, I worked in an international company, I earned good money, I had no doubt that money would never be a problem for me. I really wanted a child, but relationships with men did not work out, largely due to my fault – I have a difficult character and high demands. That’s why I decided to give birth, as they say, for myself.

Albina admits that it was difficult right away – despite the help of two nannies and financial wealth.

“I went back to work five months after Sashka was born. It was terribly difficult. My boy already had health problems at that time, and despite the presence of a night nanny, I could not sleep peacefully, I jumped up every time when he cried, and woke up several times a night. And in the morning I went to work, responsible, stressful – but I thought all the time about the child, called the daytime nanny every hour, as a result I made mistakes in business, received reprimands and fines… I lost 16 kg in the first year, although I was already well-fed Never been.

However, all these difficulties seemed trivial to Albina after the company where she worked left Russia a year and a half ago.

– Sashka just turned four. It was impossible to send him to the kindergarten for health reasons; there was no money to pay the nannies. Of course, as a qualified specialist, I quickly found another job, but they paid much less money, what kind of nannies are there, they only had enough to live on. And I didn’t have the opportunity to wait for a better offer. I had to switch to remote work in order to stay at home with Sasha and take on additional part-time jobs… Just imagine: there is a 4-year-old child at home who constantly needs attention, and on the computer desktop there are a bunch of tasks that can only be completed if you work continuously10-12 hours… I became nervous, twitchy, and constantly yelling at my son. I’m ashamed, but I still scream, I can’t stop myself. When you start giving up part-time jobs, you no longer have enough money. Looking for a new high-paying job so that you can again hire a nanny, or a private kindergarten, there is simply no time physically, this is what you need to do. That’s why I’m not looking for anything anymore.

I am always amazed by women who say that they manage to raise children, earn money, go to fitness, go to an exhibition, and go to a bar with their girlfriends. They’re probably lying – it’s impossible to do it all! They say: you cannot deprive yourself of the joys of life. It’s impossible, of course, but the last time I was at a bar with my girlfriends was before Sashka was born, and at the gym too. Where can I find time for this now?

Yes, sometimes my mother comes to see me from Orenburg (she works, she has a family there, she can’t visit often) – but then I just sit at the computer around the clock and finish all my debts. Or I’m sleeping. There are two good friends – they also come from time to time to play and take a walk with Sasha. On such days I also work or sleep. All other joys are no longer for me. Even if you find time for them, you definitely won’t find the strength.

xxx

Olga from Orekhovo-Zuev has an 11-year-old daughter and a salesperson’s salary of 52 thousand rubles.

– Sometimes there are also bonuses, but still about the same amount comes out. And I don’t even receive benefits as a single mother – it requires that there be no more than the subsistence level per person, but we get a little more. You will pay for the apartment, for your and your daughter’s mobile phone, for the Internet, for the travel card – there are already about 45 left. You go to the store and think: buy good meat or fruit, which is more important for a child’s normal growth? Both do not work. Larisa is growing very quickly, her feet are already size 39! Therefore, both clothes and shoes need new ones every year. And the girl is already big, she also wants something more beautiful, and not the cheapest. Recently I told how they laughed at her at school because of a sweater that my friend gave her. This jacket is really some kind of old lady’s, but I decided that you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Lariska has nothing to wear in the cold… Now I’ll have to buy something warm, I’ll have to find money again.

My family tells me: get married, you’re still young and pretty. Just look at how I’m dressed – it’s a shame to leave the house like this, let alone get married… It’s good that at work they give out uniforms. There is no money left for the hairdresser or anything else.

But my biggest headache is housing. Larisa and I have a small one-room apartment, 33 meters. Of course, having your own place is great; many of my colleagues are suffering from rented accommodation. But it’s still very cramped, and as she gets older, it will be even more difficult. And the worst thing is that my sister is laying claim to this area. And she’s right: the apartment was left to us from our parents, and we both have the right to it. My sister lives with her husband for now, but they are also cramped and have three children, so she says to me: Olya, I understand your situation, I tolerate it for now, I am not sharing the apartment, but soon I won’t be able to, I will file for division of property. I can’t imagine what I should do then…

xxx

Liza from Ryazan is not considered a single mother – although she was not married to the father of her children the same age, he is included in the birth certificate of both children. And now, after he left for another family, Lisa has the right to alimony.

– He pays us alimony – 10 thousand a month. He says you won’t get more if you go to court. He receives most of his salary in an envelope, only the official minimum. Besides, his salary is really small, even taking into account the envelope, and his new wife gave birth a year ago, and is now pregnant again… So I don’t count on him.

My youngest is still in kindergarten, my oldest is in first grade. If it weren’t for my retired parents, I don’t know what I would have done. They live nearby and will even bring and drop off the children and sit with them while I’m at work. I pray to God that they last longer, otherwise my father has oncology, my mother has coronary disease. They should, in a good way, take care of their health, but instead they are my children.

Children feel our poverty very much, even though they are still small. The elder asks: why don’t we have a car? Others at school have it. Why don’t we go to the dacha in the summer like everyone else? What kind of dacha is this, I can’t even afford a trip to a local camp, such prices… And they also ask to take them to attractions in the shopping center – but this is also very expensive. I am saving money so that at least I can please them on their birthday.

Our main salvation is sales in chain stores. I spend a long time choosing goods with discounts, and then I manage to somehow make ends meet. Recently I go to the checkout and they tell me that there is a mistake, there is no discount on this product. I had to cancel the purchase. I came home and cried for half an hour. I wanted to cry longer, but I had to cook dinner from what I managed to buy.