“Tell me why I’m yellow? After “Nord-Ost” my liver died

From the MK dossier: On October 23, 2002, Chechen militants captured and held hostage the audience of the musical “Nord-Ost” for three days. On October 26, the storming of the building began. 130 people died. More than 700 were injured. During the operation to free the hostages, gas was released into the hall.

The memorial event takes place every year according to the same scenario. The rally is opened by Dmitry Milovidov. His daughters were among the hostages. The eldest died. She was 14 years old.

– Remember everyone by name… Remember the living ones too. Time passes, but it hurts each of them. Don’t get into the souls of the survivors of that hell, it’s better to stay nearby, life or one minute… Again, indifferent glances, cameras, vanity… People, you need to be people, everyone, like they were then.

On the steps of the theater center there are red lamps and carnations. Here are the portraits of the dead. This time no more than 15 photos.

Milovidov announces a minute of silence.

The majority of those present at the memorial event are elderly women. After listing all the dead by name, 130 white balloons are launched into the sky according to the number of victims.

“Who can, wait for the memorial service, the priest will come here later,” Milovidov invites people to warm up in the back room of the theater center building.

Most leave the square.

– Did any of the officials come? – I ask Milovidov.

– What planet did you fall from? Although there are some people here.

He brings me to the representatives of the district government.

-Are you going to say something? – I turn to a representative man.

– This is a memorable event, why? The administration takes part in the organization: we bring lamps, balloons, flowers, and install sound on the stage. By the way, did you lay flowers? Here, take this,” the interlocutor hands me the carnations. – This is a private theater center, the building and the land do not belong to the city. So we come to an agreement with them every time…

The building itself looks abandoned. The main entrance is closed, the windows are dusty, it looks like they haven’t been washed for a long time. However, there is a poster for the musical show “Queens Bare Their Souls” hanging here. And on the door of the main entrance there is an announcement: “The play “What Men Do” is canceled due to technical reasons. In the near future, shows for the whole family “The Magic Lamp” and “The Snow Queen” will be shown here.

“They arrange something from time to time,” continues the council employee. – As far as I know, you can now buy a ticket to the New Year’s party. If nothing goes wrong for you…

– Do they come here for Christmas trees?

– How do we know? Personally, I don’t go, I can’t.

A man in a red vest with the inscription “Chairman of the Public Order Security Center” joins the conversation: “When the terrorist attack happened, I was the operational duty officer, all the information flowed to me. Worked at the headquarters. Now I’m on duty at rallies every year.”

“Today is the first year that Leonid Roshal has not come,” notes a council employee. – He came last year, I can show you a photo.

– Today, indeed, there are fewer people, it’s a working day, everyone is busy. Some arrived at 8 a.m. to lay flowers. Someone will come later,” says Dmitry Milovidov. – The average age of those killed in a terrorist attack is 36 years. Some of the parents are already very old. Someone is no longer with us…

– Do you know everyone who came here?

– Certainly. After all, when we wrote the Book of Memory, we looked for each other in cemeteries. People were buried in different graveyards, at different times. So we left notes in cemeteries in order to be found…

Every year schoolchildren come to the theater center. This time there is also a crowd of guys.

– Some teachers tell students about our tragedy. Every year children are brought here from different schools. At one time we also practiced school lectures on September 3rd. They talked about Beslan and Nord-Ost. Then they decided to stop. Without the preliminary work of a psychologist, children cannot be told about such things. Because when we played the songs of the children’s choir “Tropinka” about Beslan, the schoolchildren began to go into hysterics; they could not stand it.

In the back room, where those gathered are warming themselves, there is swearing.

– How could tea, cookies, and dry goods not be organized? – one of the men is indignant. “Every year we ask for this, and every year they do nothing.”

Two women are standing next to me. One of them had a nephew killed in a terrorist attack. The second, Tamara, was herself a hostage.

– I was 26 years old then. I was sitting in the auditorium. The friend who was with me came to the memorial events only twice, but she doesn’t want to anymore,” says the woman. “And about six years ago I brought my children to this theater center for a circus performance. As soon as I sat down in the hall, I was overcome by the same sensations that I experienced in those terrible days when I was held hostage: a headache, everything went dark before my eyes. The performance left a painful impression. It would be better if this center was demolished and a park was built here.

“I was also here at a performance three years ago,” the pensioner, who lost her nephew, lowers her head.

– Are those events erased from memory? – I ask Tamara.

– No, the memories are always with me. I still have problems sleeping. It’s kind of alarming. Today I fell asleep at 2 am, woke up at 5 am. Not all is well with my health. One man approaches me at an event: are you yellow? Should I tell you why my face is yellow? Yes, because my liver collapsed after what happened. Many died then precisely because of liver failure. And someone fell asleep after the gas and did not wake up. I was lucky, I woke up…

– Have you talked to a psychologist?

– Only once I was provided with a psychologist. And so the treatment is at your own expense. When I mentioned medical help, they laughed at me: what else do you need, they gave me money. My compensation amounted to 60 thousand rubles. Muscovites were given more, but I lived in Armenia at that time.

The memorial service never began. Our small company went to the temple. They read a prayer there.

“Stop talking,” the clergyman shouted in our direction. – Now you are chatting, and then we are captured by ungodly people…

I left the church. She didn’t wait for the funeral service.

“Until next year,” one of the women said goodbye to me and added. – If we live…