“Mom, don’t get married, you’re a traitor!”

– The thing is that Valera’s own father left us when his son was 15, – says Marina, that same unfortunate mother. – The boy was very worried about his departure, and although his father continued to take care of him, paid good alimony – much more than he should have according to the law, despite the fact that he really wanted to communicate and meet, Valera said that he no longer wants to know dad. And since then, I really didn’t see my father anymore.

Didn’t you take money from him too? I ask her.

– No, he didn’t refuse money, he said, they say, even a tuft of wool from a black sheep … You see, Valera is very nervous, sensitive, vulnerable …

Marina, who works as an accountant in a small company, is one of those mothers who are called “turned” on children. All ten years after her divorce from her husband, she did not want to think not only about a new marriage, but even about at least some kind of relationship with men. She believed that she should devote herself entirely to her poor child, whose psyche had suffered so much due to the betrayal of his father. She tried to spend all her free time with him, cooked his favorite dishes, catered to everything, willingly got acquainted with his friends and girlfriends, welcomed everyone, even those who she did not like at all – if only the boy was comfortable, if only he did not fall into that gloomy state that so disturbed her…

“He trusted me very much, he even told me all the details of his novels, including intimate relationships,” Marina shares. – It sometimes shocked me, I don’t know if such excessive frankness with my mother was necessary, besides, Valera treated the girls rather dismissively, but I didn’t tell him anything about this, I didn’t want to criticize. I was like a friend to him, we were very, very close…

This continued until the mother met Andrei – also divorced, also a father, only he had a daughter. And we got to know each other thanks to the children: Marina and Valera came to St. Petersburg for the weekend to celebrate their mother’s birthday, and during a tour of Peterhof, they talked with a couple of “father-daughter”, residents of St. Petersburg, who came to the park for a walk on Sunday. Lena, Andrei’s daughter, was a few years younger than Valera, and they all quickly found a common language – children among themselves and their parents.

– After returning to Moscow, Andrei and I called back daily, and a week later he came to visit me. No, I stopped, of course, in a hotel, I couldn’t accept a man in the apartment where my son lives, don’t think! But we walked recklessly for two days, it was such happiness, I liked him very much, and I even forgot how it happens! And it was obvious that he, too, was in love …

Meanwhile, Valera’s relationship with Andrey’s daughter Lena did not work out.

“I don’t know why,” Marina throws up her hands, “probably there wasn’t the same spark that slipped between us. I saw that Valera wanted to start a relationship with Lena, he often called her, but they never met again. Well, anything can happen, he is not obliged to like all the girls!

In the third month of almost daily trips to each other, Andrei invited Marina to move in with him. He said that he loved her and saw no reason to live apart. He has a good spacious apartment, and she can easily find a job as an accountant in the Northern capital.

“I was so happy that I went blind and didn’t even notice how my son reacts to our romance,” Marina sighs. – And I saw this only when I told him that I was going to live with Andrei. “And what about me?” he asked coldly in response to my admiration. Son, I say, you are 26 years old! You are an adult, and the apartment will remain with you, it will be easier when friends and girlfriends come … After all, he sometimes complained that because we live together, he was uncomfortable, and I often had to leave for the night with my sister so as not to embarrass the boy . I tell him: you should rejoice! And he would scream, I was even scared, I had never seen him so angry: “Rejoice? For you, right? Have you noticed at all that Lena does not want to know me? Or are you only capable of thinking about your lover? Well rejoice then! And let everyone leave me – both father and Lena, and you … You are the same traitor as father, leave wherever you want, we have nothing more to talk about! Of course, I had to stay. Andrei did not understand me, he was offended, well, he turned out to be a callous person, so it turns out that everything is for the best.

Marina is surprised when I say that I don’t understand why she refused to go to St. Petersburg to her loved one:

You can’t trade a child for a man!

But the child is quite an adult! He should already have his own life!

“But doesn’t an adult need a mother?” In addition, he has a psychological trauma due to the fact that his father left us, so he needs special attention … Now, if Andrei moved to us in Moscow, I think Valera would agree. But he has a favorite and responsible job in St. Petersburg, besides, we have nowhere to live …

By the way, about the apartment. Some time after Marina gave up her happiness, Valera raised this issue. “It is extremely uncomfortable for a mother and an adult son to live together,” he said. “We need to exchange our three-ruble note!”

Now they are trading. Valerie is looking for a new home carefully, meticulously choosing the area, the footage, and the layout. Marina does not care what and where, as long as there is enough money after the sale. “To build a life in a new apartment for a boy,” she says, “but at my age I don’t care if there would be a roof over my head …”

– You are only 48! And you don’t think you made a mistake by giving up your personal life? After all, you are still leaving with your son …

– No, what are you! I still stay nearby, in the same city. Valera told me that it was important for him. And for a mother, the main happiness is to be with her son.

* * *

The university teacher Oleg Petrovich, at 67, had been a widower for a whole decade and all this time he did not even think about a new family. Because he already had a family – when his wife died of cancer, his son Sergei and daughter Anya were 16 and 13 years old, and he gave all his strength, time and love to orphaned children.

But then the children grew up, the son got married, the daughter went to study in another city. Oleg Petrovich was left alone, he did not complain about life, but he felt lonely and full of strength in order to take care of someone according to the habit developed over the years.

Tatyana, whom he met at a scientific seminar, was several years younger than him. Also an assistant professor at the department, she also adored history and music, she also lived alone and had an adult daughter. Their feeling could not be called love at first sight – rather, it was the realization at first sight that they would be fine and comfortable together.

Tatyana soon moved in with Oleg Petrovich, filled his house with warmth, comfort and the smell of pies. On the pulpit, only the lazy did not pay attention to how the widower blossomed: he rejuvenated, straightened his shoulders, and in general turned out to be not the colorless old man he looked before, but an imposing, even handsome, self-confident man.

But his children were of a different opinion. Anya and Sergei did not seem to have anything against Tatyana herself, but they really did not like her daughter. The fact is that, unlike the children of Oleg Petrovich, this daughter was, as they say, dysfunctional. Not being married, she gave birth to three children, drank, constantly hung around without money, Tatyana gave her almost all her salary. And after the mother moved to Oleg Petrovich, she became the sovereign mistress in her apartment. Moreover, seeing how the new wife worries about her grandchildren growing up with an unlucky mother, Oleg Petrovich began to bring them to his dacha from time to time, bought gifts for them, and helped pay for a private kindergarten for the youngest, who suffered from autism.

And one day Anna and Sergey called their father for a conversation.

– Dad, we never ask you for anything, we solve all our financial problems ourselves, but not because we are oligarchs – we just want you to be able to freely spend your money on yourself at your age, so that you don’t deny yourself anything . But we are not doing this at all so that you give this money to strangers!

“But Tanya is not a stranger to me,” Oleg Petrovich tried to explain, “it means that her children and grandchildren also seem to be my concern …

So they are more important to you than us? You don’t help us in any way – it’s true, we don’t demand anything, but apparently we should! But we love you and do not want to bother you, unlike this family, which pulls money from you in the most shameless way. Are you sure that your Tanya needs you, and not your money, cottage and apartment, to provide for her stupid daughter and snotty grandchildren?

That time they quarreled a lot, Oleg Petrovich told the children that he was absolutely sure of Tatyana, that he would not allow nasty things to be said about her and would help her family as much as he saw fit.

– And if you need something, tell me, I’m always ready to help you too! he added.

“And us too!” Anya smiled bitterly. So we’re already in second place!

Of course, they soon reconciled, again began to communicate quite warmly, but the resentment towards their father remained. And that left a feeling of guilt – after all, he really cares more about other people’s children than about his own. And he does not have the opportunity to generously help both of them – the salary of a university teacher, even coupled with a pension, alas, did not allow him to do this.

“Probably, Serezha and I didn’t fully realize what we were doing then, in any case, we didn’t admit it to ourselves,” Anna later told the psychologist. – But now I understand that we tried with all our might to separate dad from Tanya. They constantly called him, had long conversations, being interested in his well-being, affairs, plans – and in the evenings, when they both just came from work, they sat down together for dinner. We began to come to them much more often, and without warning, sometimes at the most inopportune moment. Then it seemed to me that we were just showing attention to my father, but now I understand that at the same time I wanted to annoy Tatyana. I often criticized her – both alone with dad and even in her presence. Moreover, both Serezha and I began to steal money from him, and not because we really needed it, but so that that family would not get it. Dad gave us everything resignedly, I know that in doing so, he deprived himself first of all, and not those … I will never forgive myself for this!

Anya recalls how their father was burdened by their dislike for Tatyana, how he tried his best to make them friends, how upset, nervous because he could not do it …

Therefore, when, two years later, my father suddenly died of a heart attack – at the age of only 70 years! She blamed herself and her brother for this. And although the psychologist, to whom she went to get rid of the painful feeling of guilt, reassured her, explained that their attitude, of course, overshadowed the life of Oleg Petrovich, but could hardly cause a heart attack, this thought continued to torment her.

– I felt really bad when Tatyana said that she did not claim her father’s property, although she was his legal wife. She renounced the rights to the apartment and the dacha in favor of Seryozha and me. Because this is the property of our family, and she was with him for only a little more than a year and a half … She said how sorry she was that she had become the cause of contention between us, that she loved dad and wanted only good for him.

Comment by psychologist Elena Shevchenko:

– The reason why adult children put obstacles in the personal happiness of their elderly single parents, most often there is only one thing – selfishness. Sometimes jealousy is added to this, sometimes resentment for the second parent, deceased or divorced, sometimes hostility towards a new relative or relative, fears that his / her father or mother will be bad. But the basis is always selfishness, unwillingness to admit that the happiness of parents can be associated not only with them, the children.

The only reason why children really can and should interfere in the personal lives of their “old people” is the inadequacy of the older generation, the inability to realize their actions and be responsible for them. Moreover, this disability should be recognized by a medical examination, and not just ascertained by the children themselves. In this case, older people can actually become victims of scammers and unscrupulous marriage swindlers. In all other cases, sons and daughters should recognize the right of “old people” to make independent decisions regarding their personal lives. And even if it seems to them that these decisions are erroneous, you can’t stubbornly climb into someone else’s life, even if it’s the life of your parents. A person has the right to build it at his own discretion, and even if he makes mistakes, he also has the right to do so.