“Insatiable monster”: how to distinguish a manipulator from a person who needs help

Manipulations have a floor

According to experts, manipulators usually use the “vain” qualities of a person or his problems – vanity, envy, money-grubbing, rivalry, loneliness, suspiciousness, self-doubt, etc. The mechanisms of manipulation are as old as the world: at all times there was someone pushing others to actions beneficial to him, playing on their fear for themselves or loved ones (do it, otherwise it will be bad for everyone), on pity or shame (don’t you feel sorry?), on gratitude (I helped you, but you …) or by provocations (are you weak?).

Psychologists around the world have described at least 100 proven ways to manipulate people, some of them are successfully used by political strategists and special services. And in commerce – all sorts of salesmen, sorcerers and other craftsmen sell a dubious product or service. In the course of manipulation and in personal life, but it was here that an important difference crept in.

“Manipulators are not only conscious, but also subconscious,” explains family psychologist Aina Gasanova. – For example, all parents know that among the smallest there are very talented manipulators who know how to twirl as they want, not only relatives, but also strangers. Obviously, a three-year-old man has not studied manuals on influencing others, this is unconscious behavior. The same “unintentional” manipulation occurs among adults – and it is often a signal that a person lacks support, love, understanding, warmth, sharing his emotions. That is why it is, as a rule, periodic or situational, and not constant. Such manipulation is a kind of call sign that a person needs feedback, and he should not be stopped as malicious, but react, respond. Today, for many, this is simply vital.

It should be understood that malicious – that is, conscious – manipulators habitually arrange their affairs with the help of manipulation wherever they function: at work, in the family and in any team, even temporary – for example, on vacation. And the innocent – the subconscious – indulge in manipulation only with loved ones, trying, like children, to lure out their attention, affection, care, or just a kind word.

A malicious manipulator will also use the so-called forbidden tricks in personal relationships: blackmail, pressure on pity, prolonged deathly silence that literally exhausts a partner, provocation of anger, the formation of guilt, sudden disappearances, abrupt breakups from the series “I didn’t sleep all night, thought and decided that I’m not worthy of you, goodbye! Innocent manipulation is distinguished by the absence of “low blows”. Conscious manipulators first look closely, collect information about the victim and his weak points, which can be put pressure on, while the subconscious manipulators turn on automatically, like in children, and only in relation to those to whom they are most attached and trusted.

According to experts, a person who himself does not disdain to manipulate others always recognizes manipulation in relation to himself – not only in public space, but even in his own bed. But most of their victims, when asked what methods of manipulation they know in personal relationships, cannot remember anything.

“The arsenal of malicious manipulators is very large even in seemingly successful personal relationships,” emphasizes the family psychologist. – And the unconscious as such do not have an arsenal, but today there are even more of them than malicious ones. In turbulent times, even those who are usually calm and peaceful begin to lack a strong shoulder for support, understanding vests for tears and other things equally important for our survival that only a close person can give.

Experts advise such “extortion” from loved ones not to be ignored, but to be satisfied if possible. But be warned: unlike malicious manipulators, “innocent domestic manipulation” has a gender – men and women do it differently.

“Well, since we’re having this conversation…”

“My husband Pasha is a very calm, reserved person,” says 35-year-old Muscovite Ksenia. – He is a university teacher with great experience, we have been together for 10 years, I was sure that I know my husband like the back of my hand and understand without words. But, apparently, we have not experienced difficulties of this kind before.

According to the wife, some time ago the husband began to behave strangely.

– One weekend, I noticed that Pasha forbade our 9-year-old son to walk before he did his homework. I stood up for my son, saying that it was getting dark early now, and let the child take a walk while it was light, and then sit down to study. But then my husband raised his voice, which is extremely rare with him, and scolded me, and at the same time Antoshka, our son, about the fact that “principles are the most precious thing.” Pasha is usually laconic, but here he burst into a whole lecture!

Soon the case with the “principles” was repeated, but already in a completely different field.

– Our tenants initiated the construction of a multi-level garage next to the house, my husband went to a meeting where they conducted a census of those who wished by the number of cars per family. And our neighbor asked to write down two places in her name: they say that they have one car so far, but they plan to buy a second one. And my Pasha suddenly declares to her so sharply: “Here, buy it, then you will sign up for the second time! I don’t feel sorry for you to have an extra place, but I won’t lie out of principle! I already hastened. The neighbor is still so good, she will always help out if something is needed, but here such an impartial refusal!

Regarding the offended neighbor, Ksenia reproached Pavel, and he, according to his wife, seemed to be just waiting for the right occasion to directly explode with another notation about principles. And a couple of days later, Ksenia accidentally heard her husband refusing a colleague on the phone, asking to cover his absence at a meeting of the department.

Pasha replied: “I’m not sorry to say that you are on a local business trip, but I won’t lie on principle,” Ksenia retells the words of her husband. – Here I was seriously scared: did Pashka go crazy ?!

The mystery of her husband’s “sudden principles” was revealed to Xenia as unexpectedly as it arose.

– On Saturday evening, after my son Antoshka had gone to bed, Pasha and I sat down to watch a detective story. There was this scene: a freight forwarder whose salary is barely enough to feed his family, by chance, is left alone with a large amount of cash that no one will look for. And in this situation, our hero is carrying an unrecorded cash to the police, and I take it and blurt out: “It would be better if I went to feed the children and treat the mother, no one sees!” And here my Pasha broke through! As he yells: “What difference does it make whether someone sees or not, he sees himself! And he is an honest man, and for him to take someone else’s means to step over his principles!” Hey, I’ve never seen him like this in my life! But in the end, I realized: my husband really needed to speak out. But he couldn’t find a suitable “info-cause” in any way, since once upon a time he himself proposed to conclude a pact: a house is a house, and you shouldn’t burden others with your working problems in it …

In the process of Pavel’s loud monologue, during which he denounced and branded all unscrupulous people, the essence of his personal “burden” became clear: Pavel gave one of the students a “deuce” on the third retake, realizing that this was an inevitable expulsion, and the dunce would have to go to army. He asked, demanded and even begged this student to prepare at least for the “troika”, but when he appeared, obviously never having opened the textbook, even for the third retake, he could not stand it and gave a well-deserved mark. But since then he has been tormented, tried to justify himself, but in the end he only blamed: how can principles be more precious than the life of a young guy, which, after being expelled, can go awry?!

“My husband just needed to hear “you’re right” from the closest person he trusts,” Ksenia explains. “I told him right away. And he immediately calmed down, stopped being nervous and looked for “principles” everywhere.

As Pasha himself said, he could not share “such” with his friends or colleagues. And even with me, he couldn’t just take it and share it – he needed all this prelude and the opportunity to shout out before confessing: “Well, since we had such a conversation …”

“Oh, I’m an insatiable monster!”

Oddities began with the wife of 37-year-old IT specialist Igor. Usually cheerful, friendly and talkative, Yulia became some kind of emphatically gloomy.

“At first I didn’t even attach any importance,” says Igor. – Yulia is quick-witted like a child: even if she puffs up, she will be blown away on her own in a couple of hours, you don’t have to run after her with apologies. And then I look: a day or two or three – and my beloved is not blown away in any way! I began to remember. And I didn’t remember anything: personally, I definitely didn’t offend her. She seems to have some new image – thoughtfully fatal …

– And between you it’s not customary, or something, just to take it and ask: “What is the matter with you?”

– I probably asked – to be honest, I don’t remember. And since I don’t remember, it means that she didn’t say anything important. Yes, we never fought at all. And she had never behaved like this before!

– How exactly?

– Well, for example, all of a sudden he says: “Yes, I am a strong personality, even my beloved husband is not easy with me!” Or “I’m not the type to nod all the time!” And at these moments she did not address me, but as if she was talking to herself.

A week later, it turned out that in the regime of the “knight of a sad image”, interspersed with attacks of self-flagellation in the form of a monologue, the cheerful Yulia withstood another three days. And on the fourth evening she came home in an accentuated drunkenness and tried with all her might to make her husband pay attention to her.

“Why should I scold her, I wanted to and drank,” the IT specialist shrugs his shoulders when asked if he scolded his wife for being drunk.

– High relationship! And they didn’t even ask with whom?

Why, I asked. With Katya, I ask, did you throw yourself? And then she suddenly jumped on my neck: “Well, thank God, but I’m still waiting for you to ask me!” It turns out that a week ago she already shared with me that she quarreled with that same Katya for life. Now I remembered, but then I completely forgot – do you believe it ?! And Julia, it turns out, decided that I was judging her, since I didn’t say anything. And she suffered all these days.

– I just don’t understand why it was impossible to ask: “Are you judging me for a quarrel with Katya?”

– Julia says that’s what she asked. And I, they say, “looked through it and answered that everyone has the right to their own delusions.” Kill me – I don’t remember!” But I fixed everything. I said that I don’t blame her for a single byte.

– And Julia calmed down?

– Well, yes, as if removed by hand.

Well, the only excuse for programmer Igor is that he has been married to Yulia for only three years. That is, given his immersion in work, we can say that he still knows her poorly. But if he continues not to hear a living person nearby, then half of him may “go crazy” not to attract attention, but for real.

“As we can see, sometimes a man and a woman want the same thing, but in completely different ways,” summarizes family psychologist Aina Gasanova. Both Pavel and Yulia equally wanted feedback from their loved ones, their approval and support. But at the same time, the man already internally defended his own rightness in advance: “Principles are most important!” And the woman doubted her: “Yes, it’s not easy with me!” Of course, roles can change depending on individual qualities: there are women with a strong masculine character, and soft feminine men – this is not the point, but the fact that they manipulate partners, but not for the sake of self-interest. Such manipulation should not be cut off, but distracted from your urgent affairs and devote time to your partner. If he “extorts” feedback from you, it means that it is especially important to him – your opinion, your attitude. Do not be greedy, because sometimes just one word of the person whose opinion is valuable to you is enough to calm down and gain confidence in your rightness – or, conversely, to look at the situation with different eyes.