How to avoid conflict with abusers in the family: advice from psychologists

Signs of passive aggression in relatives

It is important to be able to distinguish abuser manipulation and passive aggression from the usual outburst of emotions of a person who is dissatisfied with something. Watch your relatives. It is important to understand that we all act passive-aggressively from time to time due to stress, emotional exhaustion, fear, or self-doubt. Behavior becomes problematic when it is a constant way a person communicates. Here are some signs to look out for.

Constant complaining and blaming is a typical sign of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, complaints that you are to blame for some situation, that he is not appreciated, about his own failures, about the behavior of other people. Also, in words, a relative may agree with you on everything, and then you find that he or she is doing everything quite the opposite.

Analyze how the relative reacts to new information or choices you or other family members made in a given situation. Disinterest or even complete disregard, or criticism or dismissal of your accomplishments under a layer of wit, sarcasm, or joking, can be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior.

The passive-aggressive person tends to distrust the success of others and will go to great lengths to downplay it or assume that success was the result of luck or deceit. But all this will be done very subtly, so do not expect outright contempt.

Does your relative express disapproval or refuse to appreciate your actions? This is often a sign of resentment, a key basis for passive-aggressive behavior.

Watch out if a relative makes snide comments but then acts like he or she didn’t say anything bad, and when you try to clarify the situation, accuses you of misinterpreting what was said. This is one of the most common types of manipulation.

Sometimes such people can develop a very negative model of self-perception in a person. For example, saying things like “Well, according to my rich experience, this never happens” or “In my time we didn’t even have such a chance”, “You don’t understand anything about such matters”, etc.

Does your relative talk all the time about how lucky other people are, how wonderful their homes, jobs, husbands, wives, children and grandchildren, etc. are, and how unhappy he or she is? Further, such a person usually uses the words “if only you …”, and then continues to explain that everything that he or she has now is negative, stems from some of your actions, or requests, undertakings, etc.

When listening to these kinds of conversations, one should not take them personally, just be aware that this person is unwilling or unable to recognize that he and he alone is responsible for beneficial or harmful changes and decisions in his life.

The more often a passive-aggressive person reacts in this way, the more natural such behavior seems to him or her. Ultimately, you must determine what the relative’s words or actions make you feel uncomfortable.

Motives of passive aggression of relatives

Determine what worries you about the relative’s behavior. In that he or she disagrees with you, or in the way they express their disagreement, such as silently gritting their teeth and then saying, “It’s okay” when you ask – what’s wrong?

You may not know or assume the general reasons behind why your relative behaves this way, but you will definitely get enough information about the reasons for this behavior from what he or she says. After analyzing what has been said, try to determine what worries this person, causes him resentment, why he behaves this way.

Maybe your mom desperately wanted to be an actress when she was young, but was too poor and married too early to reach that goal. Then she hoped that her daughter would realize this dream of hers, and not only did you not become an actress, but in general you have a strong aversion to the theater, her favorite films and TV shows.

This is not an excuse, but a way of understanding the origins on which your relative builds his reality.

In some cases, a passive-aggressive person projects their negative experience onto loved ones in the hope of protecting them. Therefore, rude and unpleasant words that you made the wrong choice may well be an expression of care and love. However, most likely, he does not think about the fact that his own negative experience is not the ultimate truth.

In some cases, a passive-aggressive relative seeks to control you, the situation, the family, etc. It may seem to this person that his or her place in the family is threatened, and that this is the best way to keep him or restore power over family members.

Another possible motive for passive-aggressive behavior is simple jealousy or envy. In this case, resentment, bitterness, and anger are likely to fuel the motive for passive-aggressive behavior.

Keep in mind that one of the key motives for attacking you, humiliating you, venting contempt or making claims is the lack of a serious rebuff on your part. This is why sarcasm, silly jokes, all-knowing statements, and false wisdom are often used as a way to show that “nothing bad was meant.” As soon as such a person receives a retaliatory blow, he usually retreats.

How to deal with passive aggression in relatives

Don’t let yourself become part of this person’s game. The most important thing in dealing with a passive-aggressive relative, and family ties really make the heart strings sound stronger, is to learn not to be angry or annoyed. Before making contact with a particular relative again, rehearse possible schemes in your head. A little mental role play will help you avoid panic and give in to subtle pressure.

Tell yourself something like, “Grandma is going to be aggressive again. I love her very much, but I won’t let her do that to me again.” Or: “A brother is trying to unfairly accuse me by saying such things. I know that he is not behaving properly, and if I get upset, he will get what he deserves. I’ll either ignore the comments or stand up for myself.”

Above all, stay calm – it’s easiest to feel agitated or upset, but this makes it more likely that your response will be emotional rather than calm and thoughtful. It is calmness that will unnerve a passive-aggressive person and force him to leave the “battlefield”. Try to maintain emotional balance, especially around people who often show passive aggression.

You can talk to a relative openly and politely. Wait for him to do or say something aggressive. Then, in a calm and friendly manner, ask directly: “Why do you say or do this?” If he pretends nothing happened, say, “No, you just said (or did) that. What was the reason for this?”

Most likely, the person will be confused and this may prevent him from making similar attacks in the future. If he will deny his aggression, then say something like: “When you said (or did) this, I was very unpleasant.” This is a non-aggressive way of showing him or her that this behavior is unacceptable for you. If he openly outlines his position, then this will help to dot the “i”, which is also a kind of way out of the situation. Sometimes this is enough to get an open explanation or apology, even if it is rude.

Tell your relative that you are genuinely interested in his or her opinion, even different from yours, and that you want him to be comfortable sharing his thoughts with you. Perhaps this will surprise the aggressor. The fact is that many passive-aggressive people behave this way because they are afraid to face possible disagreement. If you tell your relative that his opinion is important, he may stop aggressive behavior.

Always stick to the facts. If a relative tries to distort them, deny what was said or done, or blame the other, simply repeat what you know exactly and thoroughly.

If necessary, learn to be sane. Stop relying on the fact that the relative himself will change his line of behavior. Keep doing what you set out to do and find other people who are more reliable and friendly in communication and ready to give you the help you need.

Opinion. Milena Bagaeva, practicing psychologist:

– If there is a person in the family who is able to keep an aggressive relative “in check”, sometimes it is useful to approach him and express his concerns. Maybe this will be enough to stop playing “psychological” games with you.

If you openly share and explain your feelings in response to aggression, you run the risk of being rejected. However, this will show the person that you trust them and may encourage them to start trusting you. If he insists that you’re the problem, not him, and continues to attack, set boundaries. Explain yourself and say that you do not feel comfortable in his presence. Limit interaction to what you need, but be open to reconciliation.

Whatever the situation, remember that you can’t change the other person’s behavior, so just focus on yourself and avoid the aggressor.