A miner won’t hurt a rat – MK

ADVOCATE

I am a lawyer. But terribly unlucky. They assigned me to run the business. Very winning. And the client, when he found out that I would defend him, hanged himself.

MILLER

Life is a mighty river. You can float with the flow, you can swim against the flow, you can become a boatman, a sailor, a buoy, a lifeguard, a fisherman… But it’s better to build a mill: sit back, and the flow grinds circumstances to your advantage.

MINER

The miner will not harm the rat. On the contrary: share food. He will leave the food in the slaughterhouse, and the next morning he will look: if the rats have finished eating, then everything is fine, you can work. If they haven’t touched you, you have to go upstairs, which means the rats have left the slaughterhouse, expect a collapse, gas poisoning.

Do you know how rocks are tested for strength in a mine? After the explosion, they take a pike and poke it at the ceiling. So that the cracked layers do not fall on your head. I poked and poked. Seems OK. And then a huge block came off and went straight across the dome.

A CARPENTER

Why the skewed figure? By inheritance! The Ryazanskys were always called “slant-bellied”. Since a long time ago. They made a living as carpenters. They went to earn money and hung an ax on their side. And so from century to century, from generation to generation. So the ax left its mark on the figure. Not only men, but also women.

BUSINESSMAN

When, by the age of thirty-five, I realized that I would not get a good position and a large salary, a state dacha, a car with a driver, I left the service. I decided: I’ll get it myself. I now have a mansion, a car, a driver – something that many officials do not have. The difference is that they serve and I work. They are entitled to a salary, even if they are busy picking their noses. And I have to get my money, no one will just give it to me.

COURIER

Well, what kind of invader am I? I can’t read Russian. I deliver pizza on my bike. An order has been received: to deliver the product to the station buffet. How can I find this buffet? What if I can’t read? They explain: “Buffet” is written on it in giant letters. And they told a joke. During the war, the Germans are instructed to bomb a Russian railway station. They fly out. The pilot says to the radio operator: “Read what kind of station it is.” He strains, puffs up, strains his eyesight… “Buffet,” he says. And already anti-aircraft guns are hitting them. “Better look!” — the pilot commands. They do not have such a designation in the assignment. He reads it again: “Buffet,” he says. They fly further. And they were hit and the plane caught fire. The pilot shouts: “What should I report to the command? Which station are we going to bomb?” And the radio operator says: “And this station is called “Buffet.” So I hung around like those Germans.

DIPLOMAT

I learned restraint from sports commentators. How many spectacular emotions, speculations, fantasies can be thrown into the air, calling on teams to catch up, level up, and achieve the desired result! But the commentators talked about anything but the main thing. Not about the outcome that everyone is eager to know. The secret is that the result is always unknown. Can’t you decide in advance what the score will be? Jump distance? The speed of the spurt? A special art, a gift – to talk around the bush – about team compositions and coaches, about the weather and the surface of the field and running track, avoiding the exciting topic: how will the swim, the javelin throw, the game end? Football and hockey commentators from my childhood, in love with sports, seem to be sages marked with the highest insight: why talk about what no one knows? They didn’t know either… But they took upon themselves the courage to shamanize, cast spells… They had enough everyday experience to remain confident: anything could happen at any moment. A weak team can score a goal, and a strong team can score two, but a weak team can also answer with three. Anything can happen! A player can be sent off the field, a bribed referee can award an unfair penalty… The list of options is endless, the range of possibilities is unlimited. Because play is life. Therefore, it is appropriate to refrain from making predictions. I am grateful to them for not misleading me, a boy, for not fooling me with unrealistic statements, but for keeping silent and disguising their position.

MILITARY

There is a gigantic distance between a lieutenant colonel and a colonel, let alone a general. You have to work your way up to a hat. If you get a tiara on your head, then you really are worth something. Lieutenant colonels are a dime a dozen. But it is the lieutenant colonels who demand from their subordinates that, when reporting, they swallow the prefix “under”. It pleases the ego.

SCIENTIST

I don’t know anything for sure. Just like other mortals.

BOSS

I didn’t come on my own. They brought me. Hand. And they appointed it.

PSYCHOLOGIST

Why do they invite people with negative external characteristics to play the roles of villains, and people with invincible charm to play the roles of good heroes? Because in the hour and a half that the film is running, you can’t figure out who is good and who is bad. Here they give a hint. But even in non-cinema life, our first glance rarely fails. As soon as we see a person, we form an opinion based solely on external data. And how rarely we make mistakes!

HAMMER

There are hammers weighing 300, 350, 400 grams. They turn into sledgehammers. Weighing twenty-four and a half kilograms. How much I wielded it! And I never hit anyone, not even myself, in the hand.

BEGGAR

Well, I’ll go abroad, and what will I do there, what will I feed myself? All the landfills are familiar here, every garbage dump where I can find food has been examined. And there? I’m still learning the layout of them!

ACTRESS

I told my mother that I wanted to be an actress. She fainted. I explained to her my motive: “If I don’t get married, I can at least play the role of a wife. If I don’t give birth, I’ll play the role of a mother on stage. And my life will be complete.” She burst into tears.

DOCTOR

You go down the escalator, and dozens, hundreds of people rise towards you on a stretching ribbon… And everyone is sick, there is not a single healthy one, everyone carries an illness within themselves, sometimes not mature, but more often – already invincible, it will overcome, destroy, cripple. There is no need to wait, we need to anticipate. Play ahead, save yourself from the horror of irreparability.

SOCIOLOGIST

I don’t understand the unfortunate reformers: first they scattered eight volumes of Brezhnev’s works, then they became champions of anti-communism. This is not about the fact that only fools do not change, but about the fact that if a person has principles, he will not go into the service of the Secretary General, will not become his assistant and speechwriter, although these positions probably give freedom that is prohibited to others , and many other benefits, concessions, advantages.

ECONOMIST

How we were deceived! My mother, already terminally ill, stood in line for three days, exchanged vouchers for shares of a supposedly reliable company and died happy: “Now you, daughter, will be able to live comfortably, every year you will receive large percentages, so I’ll leave you calmly.” And my friend immediately sold all these vouchers, collected them from the whole family, both her mother-in-law and her father-in-law, and sold them. And bought new furniture. They scolded her for her lack of management, and then they couldn’t praise her enough. She immediately understood: it was useless to wait for mercy and honesty.

RIDER

He fell off his horse. Crunch in the back. I went to the doctors. They did an MRI and said: two vertebrae are crushed, urgent surgery is needed. Let’s fill it with cement. Each is 135 thousand. The total is 270. Do you have money with you? Then straight to the operating table. I say: “What about the tests?” None of this is needed. The main thing is to have the money with you. I went to another clinic. They say: “Each vertebra is 150 thousand. Do you have any money with you?” I think: since there’s such a turn, I’m going to Austria. Let’s go. I came to the doctor, an old man. He looked at my MRI and laughed for a long time. He says: “I know Russia. I fought near Smolensk.” And my grandfather died near Smolensk. Well, for 80 euros at a discount for my grandfather, he gave me his MRI – color, clarity, straight from Aivazovsky. And he says: a corset is needed, but cement is absolutely not necessary. Are you walking now? And after cementing you won’t be able to walk. I asked for a picture of the first MRI as a souvenir. He said: “I will watch and have fun.”

PHILOSOPHER

With age comes reconciliation with the world. You look for excuses for everything that happens. And it happened. You forgive your father for leaving me with my mother, you forgive your grandmother who did not love you. Why did she love you? You forgive women who cheated and friends who betrayed. Who am I that I should not be cheated on and betrayed? God? Yes, and they deny Him. So you need to soberly evaluate and be aware of your value.