The need to be kinder to yourself is scientifically explained

Remember when you told your best friend that they didn’t deserve their last promotion? You also pointed out that they don’t do anything right and that everyone secretly hates them? This scenario is unlikely. Most people would never talk to their loved ones like that. Instead, a good and kind-hearted friend would offer encouragement when someone is going through a tough time and congratulate them on their hard-earned successes. Why is it so difficult to show the same courtesy to ourselves?

The inner critic in our head can be loud and hard to ignore. He may tell us that we don’t deserve our achievements or ruminate on scenarios of how we could do better.

As CNN explains, our brains have evolved to focus more on bad experiences than good ones. This is what helped our human ancestors settle into new environments safely while preparing for what might go wrong. While the average person doesn’t run away from predators and other deadly threats, modern stressors like an email from the boss or a project deadline can trigger the same kind of negative self-talk.

If beating yourself up becomes a routine part of your life, these cruel and belittling comments can negatively impact your self-esteem and increase task anxiety. Negative self-talk can also make depression worse, CNN notes.

Dr. Katherine Franssen, an associate professor of psychology at Longwood University in Virginia, says it takes time—about two months—to train your brain to break the habit of negative self-talk. The more we train our brains to be kind to ourselves, the easier it will be to silence our inner critic once and for all.

Your inner critic lives rent-free in your mind, but you can take control of your headspace through mindfulness and meditative practices. Franssen recommends loving-kindness meditation, a guided practice that uses words and images to enhance positive emotions and self-compassion.

“It’s as simple as taking 10 minutes of your lunch break to walk outside and listen to a meditation podcast,” explains Franssen. When combined with cognitive behavioral therapy (a form of talk therapy that teaches you to identify and change negative thoughts and behaviors), loving-kindness meditation can activate areas of the brain involved in emotional processing and empathy. This activation may explain the decrease in stress and increase in positive emotions. “All of these things will increase your sense of well-being and improve your ability to feel and think kindly,” says Dr. Franssen.

Although meditation can reduce the amount of negative self-talk, it can still occur from time to time. Dr. Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book The Joy of Imperfect Love, advises stopping and recognizing when you’re in one of these negative thought patterns. “Don’t judge, because that only leads to more negativity, but just notice that you’re being unkind to yourself right now.”

Once you recognize negative self-talk, Manley and Franssen recommend talking to yourself the same way you would talk to a loved one. For example, perhaps you haven’t completed everything on your to-do list for today. Instead of beating yourself up for not working hard enough, point to what you accomplished today.

Using your name or referring to yourself in the third person provides psychological distance between your habitual self-critical reactions, giving you a better ability to control your emotions. Additionally, people are more likely to feel more empathy when they frame a situation the way you would if your best friend came to talk to you about the difficulties in their life.

Subtle reminders to tell yourself something nice about yourself can also help with self-kindness, CNN continues. If you need help thinking about something, take inspiration from social media accounts that often post positive affirmations, such as “I am worthy of good things” or “Today is going to be a good day.” It may seem trivial at first, but Franssen said repeating positive affirmations can make it easier to develop a positive inner monologue.

Remember that becoming kinder to yourself doesn’t happen overnight; this is a daily practice. This is why Manley emphasizes the need to schedule regular “soft timeouts.” Taking a 15-minute break to read a book, sit quietly, or go for a walk is enough to recharge and feel more present when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

We often prioritize being kind to others and putting their needs before ours, Manley adds. But if we don’t take good care of ourselves, physically and emotionally, how can we expect to show up to others?