Alone at home: what to do when a teenager asks to be allowed to visit for the New Year

First, about a relatively safe and new format for the generation of parents of such meetings with friends for the holiday, pajama parties. Basically, psychologists approve of them, considering them a good way for children to get closer and form special trust. That is, to establish strong social connections, which the gadget generation lacks.

And if a group of children was invited, then what will it be like for the child when half the class the next day begins to discuss and whisper: “do you remember this, but this was a joke…” And the child could go, but was left out of work. For an adult, this state of affairs will cause slight discomfort. And for a 12-year-old child – a tragedy!

“But here, in the situation with sleepovers and these pajama parties, there are a lot of “buts,” says social psychologist Valery Raushinsky. – The first and most important thing is maximum safety for the child. You can only go on an overnight stay or simply spend a lot of time outside the home with familiar, trusted people.

It is necessary to make sure that everyone living under the roof of the receiving party will be happy with the child’s visit and will not pose a danger. Because, calling a spade a spade, more than 50% of calls and complaints about violence are exactly like that. An uncle, grandfather, or neighbor who came in or lived nearby suddenly discovered an unfamiliar child in the apartment. And they were considered easy prey. To be honest, when I worked on hotlines, I tried to organize all such parties for my children at my place. It’s calmer this way.

Another detail – find out in detail what the child will eat when visiting, where to sleep, what they plan to do. Let’s say a child has a sore spine, and they are thinking of putting him on a cot or on the floor. Or they will eat fried pork with cake at night, and the child is on a diet. Or they plan to watch films that are not yet appropriate for their age.

But, on the other hand, there is nothing worse, especially for a teenager, if he is visiting, in his own company, and his parents are constantly calling. Or they even show up on the doorstep in the middle of a party.

“If you understand that you cannot cope with fear, then it is better not to let go,” advises Raushinsky. – Or firmly agree with the child that he himself will write or call you at a certain time interval. Try to explain to the teenager your excitement and concern for him. But then you must abide by the agreement yourself, not “call” every five minutes.

However, experienced parents know that such parties with sleepovers, computer games and girlish secrets are good for 10-12 years old. Then “everything is grown-up” begins: that’s how it seems to teenagers, in any case. Increasingly, they strive to meet and communicate alone, without adults. And the New Year for such a meeting is perceived as a long-awaited and legitimate occasion.

“My daughter is 14 years old and studies in the 8th grade,” says Muscovite Veronica. “Suddenly she tells me that a classmate is inviting me to celebrate the New Year at her place outside the city.” And the whole class is invited there. And the parents will stay with them for some time and leave. She herself is already all in anticipation, her eyes are burning, she’s sorting through her outfits. And how can I imagine a bunch of fledgling youths and girls, alone, and somewhere outside the city… But I understand her, I remember myself at that age. I also really didn’t want to mess with the “rodak” laces. But I’m very scared.

“At the age of 13-15 years, teenagers are always looking for “their pack,” their team,” says family psychologist Maryana Razumovskaya. – So yes, mom is right – such a “gangway” is a real event in life for a girl. Which, from her point of view, should not be missed. And the “keep out” principle will only cause rejection and loss of trust in the child. As well as health manipulation, which some people resort to in a similar situation: “you want grandma to have a heart attack.” The child should always feel supported and understand that you are acting in his interests.

What seems strange here is the position of the girl’s parents, adults who have gathered to “sit and leave.” At 14 years old, a group of teenagers simply cannot yet take responsibility for their actions. Neither from the point of view of consciousness, nor even legally. These adults are generally responsible for them.

Besides, it’s still New Year. Firecrackers will most likely be added to the alcohol. And it’s still freezing outside. If someone gets offended and leaves, as often happens at such parties for teenagers, then even getting into a taxi carries certain risks. What if the phone dies or freezes? All around is an unknown area, a forest, a railway… After all, the group that was going for a walk was very young. And none of them yet knows what they are capable of under the influence of intoxicating freedom and alcohol.

In this situation, I would advise either not to let my daughter in, trying to explain the refusal as gently, weightily and reasonably as possible. Or let him go for a short period of time, for example, until the adults leave home. And then pick it up yourself by taxi.

At what age is it no longer so problematic to let a grown child go to celebrate the New Year alone? If there are no adults, far from home or out of town, psychologists call the age 17-18 years. Of course, everything is strictly individual, but children now grow up later than their parents.

“In their holiday plans, children, and sometimes even parents, miss a couple of important aspects,” says lawyer Stanislav Popov. – The first is a curfew from 10 pm to 6 am (Moscow has its own norm, from 11 pm). A general prohibition for persons under 18 years of age to move in public places, for example, on the street, unaccompanied by an adult. New Year’s Eve is no exception; any patrol can stop you. The same applies to visiting clubs, cafes and restaurants during the specified period of time.

The second remark concerns travel by any type of transport, be it an airplane or a regular train. If a minor under 18 years of age travels unaccompanied by adults on transport, he must have a power of attorney in the name of the adult to whom he is traveling. Otherwise, they may also be detained, citing the Federal Law on the Protection of Children’s Rights. The addressee of the power of attorney does not have to be a relative, but it is better to have the power of attorney certified by a notary.