Adult children manipulate parents: how to turn off emotional “buttons”

Eternal “children”

Just because your child didn’t leave home and become independent and successful doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. And this does not mean that he will forever remain at home. We will talk about the possible causes of this common phenomenon today.

Over the past 50 years, society has changed its views and approaches to raising children. It increasingly encouraged parents to do for their children what children should do for themselves. In other words, society has moved from taking care of children to taking care of their needs. As a result, many parents are forced to solve the problems of their children already in adulthood.

Why did it happen? The fact is that in today’s world, children are usually born because of the emotional desires or needs of the couple. Sometimes young people believe that the birth of a child is a rite of passage into adulthood. In addition, there is a belief that a child will love parents unconditionally and for those who have never had such love, this is supposedly a great opportunity to experience it. That is, the choice to become a parent is primarily based on emotions. And few people think that children can bring both great joy and cause great pain and disappointment.

Emotional “buttons”

All parents want their children to be happy, confident and safe. They do not want to see how children, even adults, suffer, and are ready to do everything possible to save them from suffering.

However, you should know that children, as they grow up, watch their parents and learn to press their “emotional buttons”. When pressed, these “buttons” put the parents in “mode” of care. These human vulnerabilities are not right or wrong. These are just emotions that all people tend to feel towards their child.

For example, if you worry a lot about your child, you probably have a strong “fear button”. You go into “caring mode” out of fear that something bad might happen to your child.

Other common emotional buttons that children commonly press are the hope button, the guilt button, the empathy button, the pity button, and the scare button.

Over time, children learn how to use their parents’ emotional “buttons” in certain situations. Most people have more than one emotional button, and when there are too many, some kids try to keep pressing them into adulthood.

For example, some young and not so struggling people have learned to rely on one or both parents as a source of financial support. After all, the “child” needs money for a haircut, clothes, medical services, a roof over his head and food. They may also need cigarettes, cosmetics, movies, games, phones, and Internet access. Getting parents to give money for these things, in fact, becomes a permanent “work” of an overage child.

What is the weakness of parents

Almost all parents start raising children with good intentions and are not going to remain their guardians until the end of their days.

This may surprise some, but adult “children” do exist, and their ranks are replenished every day. What do these people have in common? It is more convenient for them to rely on their parents than to take responsibility. What is the weakness of their parents? They love their children so much that at one time, most likely in the deep childhood of their offspring, they forgot that overly caring behavior can go sideways.

The emotional “buttons” can end up being so strong that some parents become hostages to their fear, sympathy, or guilt. Such parents experience conflicting feelings. On the one hand, they are angry and disappointed, on the other hand, they are afraid of what will happen if an adult child is rigidly put in their place. Many in this situation feel emotionally paralyzed.

What to do? You need to understand what emotional “buttons” an adult child is pressing, and then begin a healthy separation from him. This is a long and complex process and may take time. To overcome emotions, you need to set boundaries in communication with an adult child and make his stay uncomfortable in the house.

Here parents are faced with a dilemma: how to help an adult child become independent? Should we let him live in our apartment and not work? These parents think, “The economy is complicated and there really aren’t many good jobs. Probably, we will be wrong if we refuse to support him.” This approach has a right to exist. Yes, today many families live together for financial or other reasons. If you’re in a situation where your adult child lives with you and it’s mutually beneficial, or at least mutually respectful, that’s fine.

Restrictions help everyone

The first task is to assess if your boundaries are being violated and some restrictions need to be set to allow your son or daughter to live in your home within those limits. Do you think that your adult child wants to become independent, but does not know how to do it, or is it just more convenient for him to put all his responsibilities on you?

Parental emotions make one afraid of what might happen to children when a father or mother thinks of them as children, and not as adults. But if your child is an adult, thinking of him as a weak being is a disservice to him and constantly being in parental mode.

An adult child may be uncomfortable with the steps you take, but this is normal. Discomfort is what he needs to experience in order to change himself. And changing your point of view so that you see your child as an adult capable person will reduce the guilt, fear, and anxiety you may feel when you start to let him fight for survival on his own.

Determine where you are willing to take things and what emotional buttons are most likely to make you give up. For example, one father decided, “I don’t mind if my grown son doesn’t have extra things, but I can’t let him be homeless.”

This father left his son to live in an apartment without giving him money. And when the “parental ATM” closed, the young man himself was interested in getting a job and paying for things, food and entertainment himself.

Discomfort is the key to success

After you have found your emotional buttons, you need to explain to an adult child what the new restrictions are. For example, if your daughter lives on her own but still depends on you for her income, set boundaries for what you will and won’t pay for.

Some parents can’t stop buying groceries, paying for the phone, giving money for cigarettes, the internet, and other things. Here you need to realize that it is the responsibility of an adult to search for resources to provide for himself. Don’t think of your son or daughter as an unintelligent toddler. For example, if your neighbor told you a tearful story about how much she needed an iPhone, would you buy one for her? Perhaps such a comparison will seem unnecessarily harsh, but if you think like this, there will be less chance that your emotional “buttons” will be pressed by an overgrown kid.

An adult child can decide whether he likes your conditions or not and also take certain steps that you, in fact, expect from him – get a job or move to another place. Changes in a person occur when something seems uncomfortable to him. This alone encourages you to try to find balance again in order to get what you need from life.

It is worth noting here that some parents have adult children at home who verbally abuse them or even physically threaten them. Remember that every time someone treats you in this way, they violate your personal boundaries, and sometimes the law. It is your personal decision whether or not to set boundaries that provide physical and emotional security.

In other situations, adult children simply take without giving anything in return. If so, then you don’t need to feel guilty about wanting to go back to your own life. You have the right to spend your money on yourself and enjoy quiet evenings in your own home. Remember that you raised your child, he is already an adult, and you should not provide for him more than your parents provided for you at a similar age.

If you live with a spouse or long-term partner who disagrees with you, it can make it difficult for you to make your decisions because you only have yourself in control.

When your guilt or fear buttons begin to respond, remember that the lesson you are giving your adult child is given out of love for him.

Opinion:

Elena Weiss, psychologist:

We all change as we grow up. We develop our unique outlook on life. The bottom line is that an adult child is no longer the same person mentally or emotionally as he was in childhood, even if you think so. Don’t assume that you still know what he thinks and feels. His goals and aspirations may be completely inexplicable to you, but this does not mean that he can still use you as a resource. In fact, his new and revised plans for the future may well surprise you!

This sounds pretty straightforward, but don’t let yourself be manipulated. An adult has the right to his own way of life, religion, partners, decisions and choices, but not to the detriment of your peace and wallet. Let the son or daughter live independently the life they are destined to live.