“There is nothing more amusing than a woman who has not seen her flowers”

On the eve of Valentine’s Day, Kommersant collected references in world literature and art to failed dates and systematized the reasons for the failures.

Gastronomy mistakes

“When there was very little money, and he really wanted to invite the girl he liked somewhere, he offered to sit in the Ice Cream Cafe, rightly believing that there’s always enough for ice cream, because you can’t eat a lot of it» (from the novel by Dmitry Safonov “The Tower”, 2005).

“Honestly, for those who are over twenty-seven, there should be a rule: “On the first date, both are required to drink truth serum instead of sauvignonto make sure they speak the same language”» (from Harriet Walker’s The New Girl, 2021).

“With the luck that I have, the only way to live with a man for the rest of your days is choke on some cheese and die on the first date» (from Abby Jimenez’s novel The Friendzone, 2022).

“There is money – we treat all the ladies with champagne, no – we live on credit. Women like this approach very much the first three dates, but then something breaks in them. (from the novel “Text” by Dmitry Glukhovsky recognized as a foreign agent, 2017).

“On the first date, you need to go to a restaurant with a man … If some idiot swallows the whole plate without even looking at what he ate, you definitely shouldn’t get into bed with him» (from the novel by Chuck Palahniuk “Rant. Biography of Buster Casey”, 2007).

The wrong person

“I was then in love with a girl. During the day she worked as an accountant in the accounting department of a military institution, and in the evening she studied at an evening school. Between these two sessions she managed to make appointments and, unfortunately, not only me» (from Fazil Iskander’s book “Constellation of Kozlotur”, 1968).

“Over the months, he met several girls, but they were all casual dates – prayers without faith» (from Antonio Iturbe’s novel Into the Open Sky, 2022).

“In essence, they appointed each subsequent meeting because couldn’t manage to quarrel…” (from Elsa Triolet’s book “Protective Color”, 1928).

“I’m ashamed to admit it, but I would give ten conversations with Einstein for the first date with a pretty extra. Is it true, on the tenth date I would sigh about Einstein or about a serious book” (from Albert Camus’ story “The Fall”, 1956).

Wrong time

“If you come every time at a different time, I don’t know what time to prepare my heart… It is necessary to observe rituals” (from the story of Antoine de Saint-Exupery “The Little Prince”, 1943).

“In a provincial town, the best time for a secret date is noon. In the evening there are many walkers everywhere, naturally idle curiosity; the eyes of the gossips see better, the ears hear better, and fantasy, based on the most ordinary phenomena of life, weaves such patterns that even the “novelists” from “Leaflets” do not dream of anything like that. (from Andrei Zarin’s detective novel “Execution”, 2011).

Wrong place

“At five o’clock in the evening I made my way to the most distant and deaf corner of the city garden. There was not a soul in the garden, and a date could be arranged somewhere closer, in the alleys or in the pavilions, but women do not half love novels; if honey, so is a spoon, if a date, then give the most deaf and impenetrable thicket, where you run the risk of stumbling upon a swindler or a drunk tradesman” (from Anton Chekhov’s story “Love”, 1886).

“If a woman has a date in a garageit is unlikely that she should consider this a great success ” (from the book by Tatyana Polyakova “I look at you”, 2012).

“A visit to the Hermitage is not considered a date» (from the book by Elena Obukhova and Natalia Timoshenko “The owner of the dead place”, 2018).

“You walk past the cinemas, each one has a long, long line. However, no one looks unhappy. You spend a lot of money these days just for living, so, if you have a date, you can spend all the time allotted for it in line and save money” (from the memoirs of Andy Warhol “Philosophy. From A to B and vice versa”, 1975).

Wardrobe mistakes

“I don’t want to upset your grandmother, but I don’t date guys whose manicure is better than mine» (from Vi Keeland and Penelope Ward’s I Hate You, Pretty Boy, 2019).

“She asked for a mink coat – for love. He began to take bribes and gave her the coat anyway. Now he is sitting. She goes on a date with him in this coat» (from the detective novel by Stanislav Rodionov “Long business”, 2013).

“If a girl is not in the mood, then she can go on a date or to a party even in a bag. The way you feel and feel” (from Mara Wolf’s fantasy Nightsister, 2021).

“So she takes revenge on me, you understand? .. Why, for example, should she go out into the street in a red hat and a red scarf? .. She answered without a trace of embarrassment or remorse that she came to our first date in this hat and scarf … In memory of this date, she put on damned Bolshevik rags in forty-one! And under no circumstances did she agree to promise me that she would not do this again. ” (from the novel by David Grossman “See the article” Love “”, 1986).

Few topics for conversation

“If a lot of questions were asked during the first date, this virtually eliminates the possibility both on the part of the man and on the part of the woman (from Seth Stevens-Davidowitz’s book Everyone Lies, 2018).

“In the last dates you had nothing to talk about. Your so-called “love” lacked content; she couldn’t go any further. Before parting, you separated and were faithful not to love, but to its ghost, which you yourself invented. (from the novel by Ivan Goncharov “Oblomov”, 1859).

“When we talk, we both thought only about how to naturally end the date» (from Yukio Mishima’s novel Confessions of a Mask, 1949).

awkward moments

“She really carried flowers that weren’t there yet but she was going on a date and in about twenty minutes she was going to receive them, so she mentally already held a bouquet in her hands. Already dipped her face into roses (or daffodils), already said “thank you,” already substituted her temple for a kiss. AND there is nothing funnier than a woman who has not seen her flowers» (from Martha Ketro’s novel “Bitter Chocolate. Book of Consolation”, 2008).

“At the end [свидания] I made an unforgivable mistake. Foolish and pointless. In terms of meaninglessness, this error is pure grotesque. Briefly speaking, I put her on the Yamanote roundabout in the wrong direction» (from Haruki Murakami’s “Slow Boat to China”, 1983)

“Never trust those who willingly allow themselves to be pawed on the first date. But all the more beware of those who need the permission of the priest to do this.» (from the novel by Carlos Ruiz Safon “Shadow of the Wind”, 2001).

“Men are afraid of single thirty-year-old women. They think that they probably already have a baby somewhere or that on the second date they will look at their biological clock and announce: “My God! How much time already! Make me baby quick And then it will be too late!” (from Ben Elton’s novel Call from the Past, 1998).

“The word “goodbye” sounds indecentif you don’t know if you will meet a person again or not” (from the detective novel Neptune’s Game by Fred Vargas, 2004).

being late

“It is worth a mistress or a friend to be late for a few minutes on a date, and I already imagine them dead» (from Raymond Radiguet’s novel “The Devil in the Blood”, 1923).

“If a girl comes on a date beautiful – who will be upset that she was late? Nobody!” (from Jerome David Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, 1951).

Prepared by Elena Fedotova