If the child does not obey. To put in a corner or to deprive of money?

If the child does not obey.  To put in a corner or to deprive of money?


Am I raising my child right? All parents ask themselves this question from time to time. Moskovskaya Pravda discussed with clinical psychologist Emilia Javadova how effective the five most popular parenting methods are today.

children, park
Photo by Pelageya Tikhonova / Moskva Agency

What methods of education Russians use and consider the most effective, VCIOM found out. According to the results of the survey, it turned out that modern parents most often use instructions and moralizing (76%). Then, by a wide margin, there are restrictions on watching TV, using gadgets or walking. This method of influencing a child is used by 31% of the survey participants. 19% put children in a corner as punishment, 13% can slap or give a cuff, 8% deprive them of pocket money.

Are these methods effective and what are the nuances in their use? As Emilia Javadova rightly noted, parents rarely use only one way to influence the behavior, thoughts and feelings of the child. Parenting style is a complex, multidimensional concept and consists of several components. Consider the TOP-5 methods named by the participants in the VTsIOM survey.

So instructions. This method is indeed used frequently. But they do not always achieve the desired result.

- If we talk about teenagers - some instructions, moralizing, lectures, if they are served in a dogmatic form, the child perceives as "the sound of the surf." In other words, it just skips past the ears. And in this case, such a conversation is a waste of time, - explains the psychologist.

Remember, for sure everyone has had cases when you ask a child to repeat what you just said, but he cannot. Not because I didn't understand, but because I didn't hear.

It is important to understand that complex structures, long conversations with a child do not make sense, adds Emilia Javadova. - He can learn some more initial part, but then his attention dissipates. In addition, if it is clear that it will be about something unpleasant or about something that has already been discussed many times, the child unconsciously has internal resistance, a protest, which, of course, prevents him from perceiving the information.

In addition, some designs that parents use are simply incomprehensible to a teenager.

- Responsibility, adulthood - all this is formed over time, based on some mistakes that the child makes. When a parent says that you can act differently, but in a different way, or you must understand this and that, this is not correct. The child is only being formed as a person and cannot behave like an adult, the psychologist notes. - But the child can just adopt the behavior of his parents. Therefore, it is important that parents do not limit themselves to conversations, but also by their behavior broadcast some universal values, principles of morality, behavior, convey the cultural and social norms of the society in which they live.

It's hard to disagree with this. Indeed, if a mother teaches a child to be neat, and her kitchen or personal things are a mess, or if parents want the child to love reading, and they themselves only watch TV shows or “hang out” on gadgets, it is unlikely that their efforts in the sense of education necessary qualities in the child will be crowned with success.

“It is necessary that the behavior is synchronized with the words, otherwise the child will not take your words seriously,” emphasizes Emilia Javadova.

As for the restrictions, according to the psychologist, this method of education is quite working. However, what matters here is when and in what form it is used.

- Let's say a child somehow behaved in a wrong way, and they say to him: "That's it, two days without a TV." And the child does not understand why it is so, why, why this particular punishment. That is, from his point of view, the eccentric parent suddenly decided to deprive the child of something. And the meaning of such punishment is simply lost, because the child does not catch the causal relationship, - explains Javadova.

For the method to work, you need to discuss the rules in advance and explain the consequences. And not just once. You need to make sure that the child clearly understands that if, for example, he does not do his homework, then he will have less time for a walk. And if he doesn’t put things in order in the room, he will lose the opportunity to play on the computer. And so on.

But it is necessary to punish a child with deprivation of pocket money carefully, the psychologist believes:

- I recommend not to deprive children, especially teenagers, of pocket money completely. It is important for a teenager that he has at least some minimum amount. This gives him a feeling of some freedom when he does not have to account for every chocolate bar he buys. It is also important to have pocket money from the point of view of financial literacy, so that the child learns how to manage it, sees that there are different models, and understands the value of money.

By the way, it is important to know that children do not understand the value of money until they earn money themselves. Therefore, reproaching them for not appreciating what they get, for spending money on “all sorts of nonsense” is ineffective. Here, too, it is necessary to explain - especially to teenagers - how the family budget is formed, what it is spent on, what pocket money can be spent on more rationally. So, gradually, the child learns the correct handling of money. And if at first he can spend his weekly supply in one day, then over time he will learn to control his expenses.

It is also necessary to encourage money wisely.

“It is important that the child sees that when he does something beyond his duties, he receives an additional bonus for this work,” explains Javadova. “But it shouldn’t be just some kind of exchange: you wash the floors, and we give you money for it. It is necessary that the child in any case has a circle of household duties, which is assigned to him. And something “above the program” can be encouraged, including financially.

But the psychologist categorically does not accept such methods of education as setting in a corner, and even more so slaps and slaps in the face.

“This is violence, both physical and moral,” says Emilia Javadova. - It is clear that many parents do this out of hopelessness, out of fatigue, because other methods do not work. You can't blame everyone for this. But you need to understand that when the closest person uses violence against a child, his basic need for security collapses. And of course, if some kind of threat regularly comes from the parents, if the child understands that if he does something wrong, physical punishment can be applied to him, there can be no question of any trusting relationship.

And even if parents do not often use moral pressure or physical force, children's resentment can persist for many years.

- Sometimes in the minds of adolescents who were subjected to physical or moral violence, negative impressions are exaggerated from year to year. And even if the mother spanked the child only once, later he can make claims to her like: “You beat me.”

In any case, violent methods of education do not have a positive effect. Of course, having received a slap, the child may begin to behave as the parents require, but this is not for long. But children's grievances can return to their parents like a boomerang years later. And it certainly won't get any better than this.

In general, an obedient child and a happy child are not equivalent concepts at all. Do you want your child to be happy? Give him the opportunity sometimes to do what he wants, not you. Within reason, of course. Then the process of education will certainly be much easier.

Alena Bodrienko.

Photo by Pelageya Tikhonova / Moskva Agency



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